i went to madrid last week end to visit a dutch friend of mine who went there on a school trip. i spent 3 beautiful and amazing days there with her and her friend who is an erasmus student there this semester. (this friend came to visit her twice in barcelona last year so i had met her before so it was cool to see her again=)). we had so much fun together. these two girls are what we would say in sweden, "2 tuffa brudar med jäklar anamma i sig"...how do i translate that? 2 awsome chics....? anyhow. they are not the kind of girls that let buys treat them bad or let them or anyone for that matter walk over them. they say what they want and if they feel like being rude, then they simply rude. and i LOVED that becus i need to learn how to be more rude. im usually so afraid what people will think of me so i always say kind things even thou im pissed off or whatever feeling i have. and they are alot of fun these girls. i ve been to madrid once before and that was actually not so long time ago, it was only 5 months ago when i went there to celebrate my spanish friends 25th birthday. so i could kind of remember what it looked like. me and my friend, we stayed at a hostel right in the center (metro puerta del sol). such a nice neighbourhood. cool bars, restaurants, cervecerias 8beer places), tapas places, jazz places..u name it. we did alot of stuff actually. its amazing how much you have to time to to and see in only 3 days. (althou my friend arrived the sunday before so she stayed there for a week). 

we ofcourse did a looot of walking, we went to a beautiful parc called the El retiro, we had tapas, we had beer (my friend,not me;P), chips, nuts, some very questionable croquettas and a cafe con leche that was ...not my favorite. we had also very good cappucinos, take aways, pain au chocolat (me, not my friend)croissants (me again, not my friend), we went to a disco that had 7 floors with an amazing lounge room on the top floor and 3 different dance floors. me and my friend, we did some serious ass-shaking until 6 in the morning, talked to some very nice south american people, all in spanish from my part (very proud of that!),we shook our asses with some london people, we had a delicous bocadillo con jamon for breakfast, bought at El museo de jamón;P, some questionable but okey breakfast at the hostel, we went to the probably biggest market in the world. it never ended! me and my friend M, we thought it was just a normal market, but nope. it was a never ending market....up and down, one street down, one street to the right, one more street down and then again to the right...and then finally when we thought it was finished, it (of course) continued to the left)...i found a beautiful Agatha Christie book that i bought (i was a huge fan of hers when i was younger) and i also bought a book for my friend as a thank you for a beautiful week end. we went for hours it seemed looking for the right place to have el MENU DEL DÍA, we walked around for god knows how long, in different nighbourhoods thinking that THE place would be found just around the corner but that of course never came. instead we ended up at a very , ok not very but atleast a bit, strange but funny restaurant with so many different kinds of style on their paintings that we lost count.we went looking for the aerobus that was of course hard to find but it was actually our fault and not the info persons fault, which we at first thought had esplained it wrong...we went to El retiro parc again to enjoy the sun so i could read my book but what we forgot was the cold;p. we left the parc after 15 minutes. i took another take away with me- it warmed me! AND it was necesairy since its a lot colder in madrid than it is in barca. and atleast but not least, we TALKED and talked and talked and talked, then we were quiet for some while, then we started talking again and....then we slept for a couple of hours. 

oh and we had some churros with choocolate too=) at the supposedly best place in town.  and we also went to 2 different jazz places althou very different from one another. and we went to THE coolest tapas place in town where they had thought of EVERY LITTLE DETAIL. their inspiration was greek summer. eeeeh yeeeees. they succeeded very well=) white walls with blue parts. and a cd album as the menu, old LP cd.s as plates...u get the picture;P

it was amazing to see my friend again. it had been 7 months since we said "see you later", a.k.a , good bye, to each other here in barca when i went back to sweden for summer holidays. and we had so much fun together.truly amazing! and so nice to see something else. this trip changed me. top the better. i awakned a bit. i realised that there is more to see than the usual stuff. and that even thou its winter, u dont need to stay at home all the time. there is so much explore, to discover, to see..and that its important to be social. in wintertime i like to be like a bear, u know, stay at home watching series and movies, not moving me an inch, but however it IS good for the soal to be social sometimes;P so i guess i should drag my ass soon (not today thou becus its soon midnite, i have an excuse;P) but def this week end im gonna try to discover new things.

here are some (ok, alot) pictures from my trip

ive always wondered, or i used to think that life was a competition and if you didnt succeed, if you didnt do well, you were a big fat failor. i know that many people think like that, its not only me, atleast us who live in the developped countries. that its important to have a fabulous life and that life is supposed to have it all. and that all usually consists of being beautiful, smart, having a beautiful husband7wife/boyfriend/girlfriend, beautiful house, many friends to hang out with etc. and as i said before i defined myself after these so to speak "rules". since i didnt have the "perfect life" i was therefor a failure. i dont know how it is in another countries but in sweden its very "tävlingsinriktat" very into competitions. its very important to do something in the week ends for example. and if you didnt do anything special in the wek end they will think , oh im so sorry.  when people ask you what uve been up to last week end, they kind of expect you to say, oh yeah , i had a fabulous time.i went there and there and there etc. and if u happened to just stay at home, ur "misslyckad". well thats atleast how i saw it. i defined myself after these rules but it just made me feel miserable. and if you feel like a failure becus u didnt have a "fabulous" time in the week end then the people who ask you about the week end in return will feel sorry for you, almost like a pity which is like the worst thing i know. in sweden we are raised with the concept of the importance of always doing stuff. and you have to do it WITH someone. if you would do it by UR SELF , nope nope, thats not good enough. if i would answer , well i didnt do that much, i just stayed at home wathing a movie or, i just went for a walk, they would thing..oooh u didnt have any company? what a loser. and i doubt im any better, if i would ask anyone the very same question i would probably think the same thing, depending on what person i asked. if the person i asked is ok by not doing anything special then its ok by me, if the person in question is NOT ok by not doing anything special i would feel pity for that person. but then, if i feel pity for anyone, i in return feel pity for myself.  thats how it works, if you have contempt for anyone, anything then you have contempt for a side within your self, ur just not aware of it. its all a question how u define ur self.

yesterday I read an article in a Swedish magazine about this very subject and thats when this subject came into my mind. like a said before, i defined myself after these "rules" and the thing was that i was never really happy becus if i had a good time one evening then i would feel awsome but then in the later the evening went i would feel this emptyness in my stomach becus i knew it would be just this one time. it all comes down with not being good enough. if you have a boring time, ir ur bored or if you just didnt do anything very exciting in the week end, then ur not good enough. but the real question is, why this obsession with always having to do "fabulous" stuff in the week end? is it really about doing stuff that defines you as a person? are you a better person if you go to many bars or parties or etc than if you dont do anything special? does it really define YOU as a person? why do we define ourselves by the external life? does it really have anything to do with the person that we are? that thought crossed my mind this week end when i had been out for dinner and dancing last friday and saturday and sunday i didnt see anyone i knew. i wasnt social. i didnt really feel like it nor had the need to be social becus i was happy doing my own thing. and then sunday evening it came to my mind that, if im not social, does that REALLY define ME AS A PERSON? AM I really not successful as a person if im not social? what happened to ME as a person? am I not valuable to people if I decide just to relaxe by my self during the week end? i dont think so. being social or doing alot of different stuff does not define my at all as a person. I think we are way too obsest with the external stuff. with that said, im not saying that you shouldnt care about ur life or doing it as good as you can but instead of caring what everyone else does in their free time, get inspired by them and be happy for them whatever they decide to do and focus on who YOU are as a person. 

I spent my whole "adult" life defining myself according to the "rules" and beating myself up so to speak for not being perfect nor good enough. but who says im not good enough? i decide what is good enough in my life. i cant decide whats good enough in other people´s life, but i CAN decide who I AM and what i like in my life. and who says we have to be perfect? who came up with that rule? screw being perfect. its boring. im going for being unperfect from now on. why have all this pressure on ourselves when we should just enjoy our life and not beat our selves up for not being perfect or have the perfect life. life is never as you expect it to be anyway and probably for a reason that u dont really understand. i think we are, yet again, way to obsest with the IDEA of how our life is SUPPOSED to be like. becus that is when we beat our selves up again for not being good enough.is our life really just important if we live up to that idea of the perfect life? and if we WOULD get that perfect life, is that really what we want? wouldnt life be boring if you knew already from the beginning what your life would like? then theres no surprise..well all due respect for those who dont like surprises and like to have their life all planned out, theres nothing wrong with that, i however is not one of those people. simply becus my life so far has been a roller coaster;P with moving to diffferent countries and cities and cultures, so if I would know what my life would look like from the beginning, wheres the fun? theres an expression, dont know if its swedish or if its general thing, but in swedish it would be"det är inte hur du har det, det är hur du TAR det som är det viktiga". translation;" its not what ur life looks like thats matters, what matters is how you react to it"

so how about we say, i/we are good enough. what matters is ME as a person, not if i have a fabulous time or not. and im gonna do the best I can to feel as good about myself as I can.

love,

here come some photos that I took last week end.

Today i had a "fika", coffee and a quiche and a pain au chocolat at a café that ive checked out before but never been to. when i do my jogging tours around the city i get the chanse to discover many different cafés and since im a huge coffee lover and a big fan of cafés (its my thing) i always write down in my itouch the adress and name of the café that i run by. and then on my free time i sometimes go to these cafés. so tahst what I did today. and when i walked into the café i saw this girl having lunch with a friend. (the tables were on the right side and the cashier was on the left side). her friend had her back towards me and the girl that I saw had her face towards me. so this girl was wearing a really cute hat.well the design was actually quite simple, and it was brown, not my favorite color since i dont look very good in brown, but thats not the point. it had a bow on it and it was just so cute. it it had been in sweden or in paris i would probably not have reacted in that way but since i live in barcelona where the fashion is...well how can i put this nicely? the fashion here is not very prominent so to speak ...(if u dont understand that word its ok, neither did i until I googled it) its framträdande in swedish... they dont put any focus on fashion in this city so to speak.. of course there are fashionable people in this city but not in the same way as they are in paris, italy or in sweden. so when i see fashionable people, or if anyones wearing a really cool accessory i usually go to that person and say that to them. i actully had a conversation with one of my spanish teachers last year about this very subject whether its apropiate or not. as a swedish person its not that strange to go up to a person saying that you like something they re wearing. well ive atleast never met anyone who hasnt appreciated to get a compliment from a stranger (in this case me).  so for me its very normal to do it. i have friends back home that dont dare to do it of the simple reason that they are afraid they will disturb the person in question. but for me i dont consider that as disturbing someone. becus what you give is a compliment, something that is kind and happy. but my teacher told me that you dont do it in spain. they DONT appreciate it. how they can NOT appreciate a compliment is beyond me since im a huge fan of compliments whether they come from strangers, my family, friends, teachers whatever. but anyway... when i ordered my coffee etc i was standing just next to these 2 girls and i think the girl noticed me looking at her and i quickly looked at another way. but then i told myself, isn it better if i tell her the reason why im looking at her and at the same time giving her a compliment (the girls were americans, i would never do it if it would have been a spanish woman...) instead of looking at her several times which in the end just would probably make her unconfortable? so i told her gently that i really liked her hat. and do u know what she said? that she REALLY REALLY appreciated my compliment BECUS she was having a really bad hairday so she she had told her husband that she would wear this hat since it was cute and maybe a bit off looking but it would hide her hair and hopefully make her feel more beautiful and her husband had told her that, " yeah its beautiful but.. im a man..." which means that u shouldnt really trust his judgement since hes a man... and so she had of this reason been doubting all day if it had been a good idea or not to wear this hat .so when i gave her the compliment it turned out that she really needed to hear that. so i hopefully gave her that confidence to feel good about her self in that situation. 

so this proves my point. that its never wrong to give someone a compliment. always when ive given compliments to girls or women they usually really thank me and say THANK YOU and i can tell that they mean it with all of their heart becus they look me into my eyes when they say, u know to emphasixe what they just said. and ive always been so happy when it happens to me that people out of the blue give ME a compliment. and the funny thing is that it always, just like everything else in life, happens to me or you when you least expect it or really really need it.=)

life may be complicated but it can also be very sweet sometimes=)

love,

h

im wondering... earlier today i was having lunch at a café reading news on my ipad (american news since its an american app) when it occured to me that  its so much more interesting to read about news that they post in america (no matter what the news are about) than it is to read swedish newspapers. i wonder why. i guess one reason is becus the English way of writing and talking is so much more developped than the Swedish language is. the Swedish language is quite simple, i mean the way we write about news etc (i mean even journalists), yes, we can make it sound more complicated and sofisticated but the truth is we will never reach that level that Americans use. even when we talk just among friends we use a quite simple level whereas americans twist and turn their words up and down, here and there and they use more adjectives and superlatives and they often have different way of saying one sentence which i find fascinating. of course it reflects both their culture as much as our way of writing reflects our culture. in our culture everything should be very serious, and we write about injustices in sweden and in around the world. you dont find that many news about happy situations or about technology news or art and culture (unless you ofcourse buy a specific magazine about the area in question) and we rarely use many adjectives, atleast not positive ones becus then that would mean that we are happy and that we think we are important...damn jantelag! but in usa its completely different. i doubt they even think about the reason behind their way of writing. they just write. it doesnt matter if they keep it simple or if they use many superlatives. people dont care about that kind of stuff. well maybe journalists that work for elegant and very specific magazines/newspaper have to follow some kind of rules when they report stuff but in general i dont think people really analyse if they use superlatives or not or if they think that the journalist think he is someone important because in usa they are brought up that way. they are raised with the spirit of thinking that they are important (can be bad and it can be good) and therefor they can write and talk in so many different kind of ways and they can have endless discussions. i so envy them for their way of using their language. its inspiring it what it is. and therefor its more interesting to read about what they have to say whether its about Apple news, war, art, they even make politics sound interesting;P how do you guys do it is my question? i would LOVE to discuss in that way but im afraid thats not possible in the Swedish language. we dont have all of those words and superlatives and way of creating sentences that you guys do. i think the English vocabulairy is even 3 times bigger than the Swedish language;p i think we sswedish people should throw away our stupid "Jantelag" and get inspired by the Americans. their way of using their language sounds so much more fun and interesting and light and even educating. i mean, if they can make astrology and politics sound interesting we can try to do the same thing right? and inspire more people to do the same thing so people (including my self)get more interested in discussing things and writing about things in a fascinating way. I say, less the swedish way and more the american way! (when it comes to use our languages i mean, not in everything ofcourse, becus in some way us Swedes are better then americans in some areas..)

my christmas was really nice. it was exactly what i needed, and exactly when i needed it. it was fuild with lots and lots and lots of love, warmth, candle lights, laughter, some post-christmas shopping (!), fikor i mängder, drinking looots of coffee either by my self or with dear friends. walks with our beloving dogs. amazing meals, dancing;P, deep talks, doing absolute nothing, jogging in the morning, eating a looot..no snow this time but it was still very nice. lots of beautiful christmas lights=), sitting in the couch pretending to watch tv when ur actually reading gossip about american movie stars;P  having really nice meals with family and our best friends...and what amazes me is that it feels like we getting closer and closer as a family each year that passes by and thats something i love. the love gets deeper and deeper, maybe its becus we re all getting older and we understand what its all about or maybe its just me growing up and not the rest of my family...i dont know but its getting more and more meaningful spening time with my family and our best friends and my friends. it was almost so cosy and nice that i ALMOST didnt want to go back to barcelona...and for the first time i could actually maybe baby see a future of mine in sweden, something that i havent thought of since i graduated from high school. but now that im back in spain...that thought feels like its almost flown away...far away. not super far away, def closer than it was just a year ago, but still, now that im here i know im ment to live abroad, thats just the way i work as a person. i dont think im ment to live in the same city for the rest of my life...there are too many countries to explore, too many cultures and cities to explore....hmmm...i gotta do some serious thinking;P but ive got some time on my hands for the time being atleast....untill i need to look for a job...but thats in the future..

so here are some photos that i took this (?) christmas=)

amor,

h   

Nu e jag tillbaka i the country of sun ( kom i måndags kv) och innan jag åkte tillbaka var jag av väldigt delade meningar( lr snarare motsatta känslor) om att komma tillbaka. Inte för att jag inte tyckte om mitt liv här utan för att jag var rädd för diverse grejer. Rädsla för att misslyckas, blandat med att vara tvungen att göra det all by My self yet again men efter olika samtal med nära o kära så kände jag mig starkare och visst rädslan finns fortf kvar men jag kan hantera den vilket e det viktigaste-) och när jag kom tillbaka så kändes det iaf morgonen efter mycket bättre. Kanske var det solens effekt lugnande effekt som gjorde det, eller så var det för att det kändes så otroligt rätt och kul o komma tillbaka till språkskolan som gjorde det, i dont know, men hur som helst så känns det mycket bättre, jag har börjat komma in i mitt spanska liv igen och mitt svenska liv där hemma känns nu långt borta, nästan som ett luddigt moln av nåt slag. men visst, det känns väldigt konstigt att inte se min familj varje dag och det e def en nackdel men det e ok. Det e ju ett val jag har gjort. Det e ganska lustigt, för som färsk studenterska ( alltså när jag var 19) så var det lätt att flytta utomlands och jag tänkte inte så mycket på vad jag lämnade bakom mig för det gör man inte som ung. Och även åren som kom så var det ganska lätt att åka till flygplatsen, jag hade inte särskilt mycket eftertanke där men sen efter nåt år så började det så smått step by step bli allt svårare att lämna min familjs trygga famn, det hade nog att göra med att jag hade så delade meningar o känslor om Paris . På ett sätt så absolut älskade jag Paris, för hur kan man INTE älska Paris som stad? Den e fantastisk med sitt breda kaféliv och alla vackra gator man kan gå på och gå helt vilse på eftersom det e så fruktansvärt vackert o romantiskt överallt och jag skaffade väldigt många vänner där i olika perioder men det var också ganska tufft att bo där om man har en vacklande självkänsla o inte så stort självförtroende,fast det förstod jag ju inte då. Jag hade länge en bild av hur jag trodde världen och livet såg ut vilket gick ut på att man hade ett lyckat liv så länge man hade bra vänner som hörde av sig ofta och ville hitta på saker. Men Gud så fel jag hade. Jag fattade inte alls då att det inte hade alls ed mina vänner att göra, allt fanns redan inom mig men som 22 åring resp 25 åring så tänkte jag inte alls så. Jag visste inte vad självkänsla vad och hur viktigt det faktiskt var att inse sitt eget värde. Jag trodde att allt gick ut på att ha ett lyckad liv utåtsett, jag varken tänkte på hur jag såg på mig själv eller att ens gå efter mina egna regler av hur mitt liv ska se ut. Jag gick enbart och då menar jag ENBART efter vad andra tyckte om mig och hur samhället ansåg att ens liv skulle se ut. Jag gick alltså efter andras så kallade regler och känslor. Om någon i min omgivning tycke lr kände något så og jag det på mig och trodde att det var så världen såg ut, jag reflekterade inte ens över vad jag själv tyckte, tänkte o kände. Men å andra sidan, jag var väldigt ung då ( ok jag e fortf ung:P men det e stor skillnad på hur man tänker som 22 åring o hur man tänker som 26 åring) så jag borde nog inte vara så hård mot mig själv. Tänk om jag bara hade haft större självkänsla back then och kanske lite större självförtroende så hade jag kanska varit lycklig i Paris. Inte för att jag var ständigt olycklig men jag jagade o jagade efter en dröm som bara gick längre o längre bort ju mer jag jagade. Jag fattade ju inte att det bara hade me mig att göra, inte me mina vänner. Inte konstigt att jag lev ständigt besviken på folk. Jag lade min lycka i deras händer och med det så, utan att inse det själv så klart, gav jag dessutom dem makt över min lycka. Inte konstigt att jag blev så frustrerad. Det e ju nästan skrattretande nu när jag tänker på det.

Så varje gång jag var hemma så, omedvetet såklart, sög jag in all familjär o vänskaplig trygghet som jag fick och det e mycket möjligt att det e därför som jag tyckte att det var så tufft att åka tillbaka. Men jag tänkte på det idag när jag var på väg hem från språkskolan och eg har jag mycket att tacka min låga självkänsla för eftersom om det inte hade varit på grund av min egen osäkerhet o inre icke frid så hade jag kanske inte flyttat hem från Florens , och då hade jag aldrig träffat mina fina vänner A o E och jag hade aldrig tagit kursen på marangoni i Paris den där sommaren 2007 där jag träffade helt fantastiska människor som jag fortf e bra vänner med/ människor som jag fortf håller kontakten med och jag hade aldrig flyttat till Paris o då hade jag inte funnit alla dessa fantastiska vänner som jag fick i Paris under olika perioder och om jag inte hade varit olycklig i Paris så hade jag aldrig kommit till Barcelona och då hade jag inte träffat alla dem som jag har fått chansen att få lära känna här. Det e lustigt för detta e nånting som vi gick igenom idag på spanskan. Inte självkänsla o livet o sånt men hypoteser i dåtiden, alltså saker o situationer som e omöjliga att ändra på eftersom det redan var har har hänt. O då skulle jag säga, " si hubiera tenido un mejor auto estimo en florencia o en Paris , no me modaria à Barcelona. " ( om jag hade haft bättre självkänsla i Florens eller i Paris så hade jag aldrig flyttat till Barcelona)Ja det e lusigt hur livet blir och hur det formas. Jag hade aldrig i min vildaste fantasi trott (när jag precis hade tagit studenten) att jag skulle ha bott på 4 olika ställen när jag var 26 år. Och att jag skulle ha gått på 2 utbildningar och tagit fotografikurser o att jag skulle ha träffat så otroligt mycket folk från hela världen som faktiskt fortf håller mig kär( iaf de flesta av dem)... Så eg har jag mycket att tacka min dåliga självkänsla för!

Denna veckan har det dock hänt något. För jag har som sagt jobbat mycket med mig själv det senaste ett och ett halva året och jag har ställt en miljon frågor både till min omgivning och till mig själv om livet osv och nu har jag bestämt mig för att nu e det dags för förändring på riktigt!det är slut på alla negativa tankar om mig själv o vad man " ska" tänka o vara o känna o uppföra sig. Schlutt som Håkan i Sunes sommar säger. Nu ska jag , iaf göra mitt bästa, ha lite mer jävla anamma helt enkelt. Ska frigöra så många negativa påståenden som möjligt och tänka att folk o samhället får tycka o tänka hur dem vill om mig, jag e jag och det finns inget jag kan göra åt det. Och dessutom så finns det ingen som är bättre att vara jag som jag är. Right? Det e slut på all rädsla, prestationsångest, skuldkänslor över diverse saker osv. 2012 är året som jag ska för en gångs skull vara mig själv vare sig jag e glad, ledsen, arg, lycklig, mycket, ( det e ju tabu för det i jantelagssverige) ger kanske mer kärlek än vad en vanlig svensk känner sig bekväm med att ge, eller om jag e duktig i skolan eller ej. Slitsamma eg. Jag e här för att lära mig så mycketjag kan om fotografi och om mig själv och inget mer. Och såklart, för att njuta av livet ( även om det också är något som man inte får göra i Sverige eftersom man då har erkänner att man har ett bra liv och kanske bättre o roligare liv än dem andra hemma i Sverige och det e ju en stor synd tyvärr ). Så detta året ska vara fyllt av mer jävla anamma, inre frihet, harmoni, roliga saker, inre lycka, hitta på knäppa men roliga saker och faktiskt tycka att jag förtjänar det trots Jantelagen. Och jag ser framemot det-) bye bye gamla rädslor, prestationsångest och gamla onödiga skuldkänslor, hello inre frihet, harmoni och vara sann mot mig själv-)

Love,Hanni