all my life i have been afraid of things. afraid of what would say if i did this or that. afraid of what ppl would say if i said this or that. i have had so many fears and insecurities. I have been ashamed of so many things and felt guilty over so many things. well I still do but alot less than before. i have had so much expectations on pl, and if they didnt do what i wanted them to, than i felt inadequate. prob cus i thought that i wasnt good enough for them. ive always been afraid of communicating my fears and insecurities and instead of showing my emotions ive just pushed them down. cus thats the way we´ve been taught to do. we´ve been taught to shove them aside and not talk about it. when ppl ask us how we are doing, we just say, im good or im fine when deep down we´re not doing fine. we have been taught to think and not feel.  but instead of thinking with our brain, we should let us allow ourselves to feel more. and have the gutts to express our emotions instead of pushing them down. however, it´s not always easy to know how to express them, whether it´s to a friend, a family member or your boyfriend/husband.

when it comes to guys i have realised, both from my own experiences and from hearing my girlfriends stories with bad dates and catastrophic relationships, that we are so afraid to express our deepest fears and insecurities cus we think that they only want girls who are strong and self-confident and that we should be that all the time. that´s how we ve been taught. 

when I think about the guys i´ve dated and especially my relationships, I realise now that i have been/was so afraid to show the real me, cus showing my fears and insecurities would mean that I was weak and weak was something that i did not want to be. I didnt like the feeling of being weak cus i thought i had to be strong and confident all the time and a good girl. if i didnt show how hurt or disappointed I was then i was a good girl, a grown-up. but that didnt work out very well. 

i often felt not good enough for them. and it didnt matter how much i talked abt things, they still wouldnt listen to what i was saying or they didnt keep their promsses or their word which resulted in me getting even mor ehurt and sad etc. But i didnt have the gutts to speak my mind cus I thought that if i did so they would leave me. and especially if i showed any kind of emotion. howevevr, it does take two to tango and the reason why they made me feel inadequate was becus THEY felt inadequate to me and to the world. 

theres a quote/saying that how a person treats you is only a mirror how they feel about themselves. it has nothing to do with you. if they suffer from inaquacy, they will pour that over you and make you think its your fault (which its not). but they will make u feel inadquate cus thats the only way for them to feel good. unfortunately. which means that the guys that I´ve dated or been in a relations with didnt think they were good enough hence they made me feel that I wasnt good enough for them etc etc.  

also, something else that I´ve realised is that you get what you believe you deserve. you get the love that you think you deserve. so if you think you only deserve mediocre love, that is what will be brought to you. if you think you deserve only guys who treats you badly, Universe will ring those guys to you to confirme what you believe about yourself. But if you believe that you deserve a good guy and true love who will treat you good, thats what Universe wll bring to you. 

Something that has been a belief of mine is that in order to get that truly amazing guy, evevrything in life has to be perfect. Friends, relationships, job, career, everything has to be perfect. and also that you have to be perfect for that matter. but life isnt perfect and you re not perfect. everyone has fears and insecurities and sometimes life is a mess, but that doesnt mean we don´t deserve an amazing guy who wants to and does treat us really well. cus we deserve it. we ( girls) just have to have more faith in ourselves and be more ourselves. we are so much more beautiful than we think we are.

But if we find that someone who believes in us and makes us think in a different way ( a good way) and makes us throw away all those fears that we have from our past relationships, then we should hold onto that person. and even better if we find that someone who actually has the gutts to communicate with us and make us open up . cus communication is the only way to get where you want to be. well maybe not the only way, but if we dont have the gutts to communicate with words and emotions what we truly want and what we need then they (the guys) will never understand us. so i think true communication is the key to a successful relationship. and to have the gutts to show our fears and insecurities and be vulnurable. well all we can do is give our best, right? and not be so afraid to show how much we care about that person. (which is something that always has been a great fear of mine). 

let love guide us and lets put our fears aside. who´s with me?

this is a picture from where I had my expo. such serenity there...

wish you all a beautiful day.

mucho mucho amor/Hanni

im going through some pictures from when i was in Sthlm which was about one and a half month ago and Ive wanted to share them for a long time but I ve always thought, nah, ill do that tmrw, ill do it tmrw...but its better to just do it and then its done u know. 

last time i wrote about how i believe in signs from universe and it feels like im getting more and more drawn into the world of flowers and kids. ell, who doesnt love flowers but i loove taking pictures of them in a personal way or atleast i try to do it in a personal way. and recently (or more like this year) ive discovered how much i love being ith kids (if its on my own terms). When i was volonteering at the golf tournament (at the kids park) there were these two girls (about 4 and 6 years old) who just stole my heart. it was at the last day and they came a bit before lunch time with their dads (they live in Skövde which is up north and they had come here with their dads just for 2 days) and they ere the sweetest things alive. they totally took my heart. they talked so much and they wanted me to help them writing their family members names on their papers which they had painted on and the way the walked to me and the way they wanted me to be with them it just blew me away. they were sooo cute. especially the youngest one. Olivia was her name. she was soo cute. and their dads were really nice too. they kept asking me if their kids were bothering me which i assured them that they werent bothering me at all. more like the opposite. the girls had so many questions and they wwre so playful and they even played ith one of the guys who was also a volunter at the kids park. the took everything that they got and put all the toys on top of him and he diditn midn at all. he just sat there and smiled. i loved that moment. it was so full of life. i just wanted to take these 2 little girls and take them with me home. i was this close to give their dads my number so they could give me a call next time they were in Skåne but in the end i didnt do it cus i thought it might seem a bit weird giving them my number...but those two girls were just sooo cute and they ...stole my heart. and when i was looking at those pictures on my phone that i had taken of them it made me smile so much and I realised ho0w much I love being with kids. cus they are so full of life and they have no bounderies. they say what they feel. and they show what they feel. if they are sad then they are sad, if they angry then they show that. they are so natural. we grown ups should really learn from kids. theres nothing wrong with the kids, its us, the grown-ups that have limited beliefs about how we should feel and act. we get scared of plenty of reasons, we get insecure, we think that we re not good enough or unwourthy of thid and that or we think of the should and shouldn´ts, or that we must do that in order to get accepted etc etc. but i think we would feel so much better if we were more like children who dont have these limited beliefs about our selves and the world. 

kids, whenthey are happy, they just shine. when they are sad, nothigncan stop their tears. they give so much positive ennergy (of curse its not easy taking care of kids, they are def a hand full...so im not saying its easy to take care of children and be responsable for everything that they do or not do but im talking about their personality and not the responsability of them).

i really hope i will be able to work with kids soon again cus those 4 days at nordea Masters (the golf tournament) gave me so much positive energy.

I would love to show u the pics of the children but then i have to have their dads permission to do so so unfortunately i cant show u those pics. but u would die if u saw those girls...they were just soo cute...

wish you all a beautiful day!

gonna see a friend now and go to the beach.

mucho amor/hanni

just now i was texting with an old friend of mine and it crossed my mind how grateful i am to have this friend and her family in my life. Ive known them all my life and Im so happy to have them in my life. and it also hit me that theres so much in my life that i grateful and thankful for. too often i tend to think and obsess over the things that is lacking in my life cus its unfortunately soo easy to think about what u dont have in ur life but from now on im gonna put more focus on what i actually have in my life. through gratitude you receive more to be grateful for and i can really feel that. as soon as im really thankful for what i have, whether it is in a moment with friends or with my dogs or being by myself something more always enters my life that i can be more happy about. and that happy feeling is what we all want and look for right? its not always easy to be happy- and i def believe that life without "dalar" (downs) is not worth having becus if you´d be happy all the time you wouldn´t appreciate the happy times in ur life- but its def more fun to be happy, whether its just in the moment or a longer period of time. and the thing with gratitude is that the more grateful and happy you get over things or about yourself the more things/love/circumstances will be brought to you to be even more grateful and happy about. so thats what im gonna practise. cus i have so much to be grateful for in my life. I have a wonderful family (and extended family too i must add) and so many amazing friends in my life. Im even grateful for all the friends that are no longer in my life ( alltho i do wish that they would still be in my life but I guess not all friends are spposed to be in ur life ur whole life...i guess i just need to accept that..easier said than done..) but they did make me stronger and we did have a lot of fun together which is all that matters.

there have been so many amazing and beautiful people that have crossed my path this life. more than i could ever imagine to get the chance to have.  Im even thankful for my exes. my first ex, whos married now to his childhood friend and my latest ex who I dont know what hes doing in life now but i hope hes happy. cus even tho i didnt end up with neither of them im still so grateful for having had them in my life.

when i started my journey abroad in Annecy, France (same year as I graduated from high school) I had no idea what was laying ahead of me. I had no idea how many ppl and friends that were gonna come into my life; in Annecy, Florence, Lund, Paris (both at Marangoni and at Esmod and at the café cojean), barcelona and here in Malmö since I moved back home. how many ppl and new friends that were about to enter my life. how many times i was gonna cry or feel hopeless over things or ppl or situations or all the happy times that were waiting for me. going to Annecy was like opening up a big door to the life. to all the great adventures that I got to experience. I had seriously no idea. and of course i didnt know, how could i know? cus u can see into the future (well some ppl can) but usually u cant. I had no idea that it would bring me all these beautiful places. or even that evevrything would bring me back to Malmö, that was prob the biggest chock of it all. i think ppl got used to hearing me say that i would move someplace new, but i dont think they thought i´d ever move back home and also be happy about living here. ok, there are moments when I think about the idea of moving somewhere since ive never really felt that I belong here in Sweden, but i def dont regret moving back home. I would have missed out on so much. on so many beautiful friends and so much fun times and well tears and fears and sadness over guys or school etc but im still so grateful for all the ppl that have crossed my path until now and I hope even more ppl hat are amazing and beautiful in their own way will cross my path in this life. cus i will never get sick of making new friends (if it just happens by chance and not by having to make new friends). cus i love getting new friends and getting to know what is amazing about them. and i think if ppl would just open up their eyes they would find so many beautiful ppl that they could have in their life.

sometimes i wish i could see my friends all the time and so much more than what i do. i wish i could keep them in a pocket or something so i could just take them up whenever i felt like seeing them, but unfortunately that not possible. but if i could wish one thing, that would be one of the things I would wish.

so thank you all my wonderful friends for being a part of my life. thank you so so much. you have made and make my life such a beautiful place to live in. 

lots of amor/

Hanni

these are some of the moments that im so grateful for. and lke ive writted in another post, dont get offended if ur not in a picture, that just means that i eiher dont havr a picture of you in my phone or that i dont have a good picture of us together in my phone=)

I love signs. not the kind of sign that u see on the road, but signs in life.  If I want to go somewhere I look for signs everywhere. I even get obsessed about it. I may even read a bit too much into the signs but i can´t help myself. and now its about Spain. And i´ve always done my best to listen to my gut feeling, to listen to my heart, what it says t me. and now its all about Spain. I can´t stop thinking about Spain and how much I miss the Spanish ppl and their kindness and their gentleness and their sweetness to ppl. They love life and they love celebrating things in life. maybe 2 weeks ago i bought the Spanish Vogue and I read every word in the articles. I look up and "spetsar mina öron"  (I pay more attention with my ears so to speak) when i hear ppl speaking Spanish on the streat or the bus or wherever i may be. and I have his extremely strong feeling that something amazing will happen to me when Im in Spain in 2 weeks. (yday I bought my ticket to Bcn where I will be for 12 days). its like something powerful and strong is pulling me there (drar mig dit). dont know what it will be but it wil be something wonderful. well atleast i hope so. maybe im jinxing it now, dont know. but I just looove the Spanish language. of course French and Italian are beautiful languages too but theres something powerful and yet so sensual about the Spanish language that I looove. and the last couple of times when Ive been to this multi lingua café in Lund (where you go to one table and speak French at one table German, or Italian or Spanish etc) ive been sitting at the spanish table and at first I thought i would be terrible at speaking spanish but i turned out to be pretty good. it actually comes quite natural to me to speak Spanish which comes as a big surprise since Ive studied Italian this year and I usually go to the Italian table at multi lingua. 

and maybe im analysing too much into it but i can just feel that theres a big passion between me and spain that I dont feel with Italy and France ironically enough...

of course i love the Italian language and the French language and i think Im finally getting quite good at speaking Italian (yaaaaaay for that) so that feels really good and i love speaking Italian but I think Spanish is closer to my heart for some reason that I can´t explain. there are just some things that is impossible to explain...and I always go by the feeling. u can just feel it. I´ve always gone by the feeling (can u say that in English?) gå på känslan is how u would say it in Swedish. i think ppl in genenral think too much instead of going by the feeling, how things feels when they do it. if it feels good in ur heart, go for it. if it doesnt feel good, stop doing it or dont do it. ive never thought for a second if i should move abroad or not. ive just done it cus my gut feeling has told me it was right. and if u dont listen to ur heart and u listen to ur brain instead, u will end up miserable anyway and u will eventually get to the right path. but unfortunately ppl dont listen enough to their heart. maybe they are afraid. 

well im getting off the topic here. 

im really excited about my trip to bcn and mostly becus im gonna be able to hang out with my friends whom i miss so much. but theres one thing that i think about and that is that last year i didnt have any kind of expectations whatsoever cus i was just going there to attend a wedding and that was it and the trip ended up being this amazing trip and amazing time with my friends (yes i did cry a bit but that was bcus of other reasons). but this time i have expectations...and u all know wh<at happens when u have expectations...u get disapointed. so im gonna do my best to have less expectations. im gonna stay there for 12 days (well 10 whole days actually cus my flight is really late in the evening) so i will have to entertain myself quite alot i think. well..im not gonna think about it. im just gonna chill with my friends and hopefully go all my (or most of them anyway) favorite places...atleast my favorite café buenas migas that is ust by the beach..wiiiiiii. ok im gonna stop thinking about it. breath out, breath in. but i cant stop myself from being really excited about going there.

well my friends who live in Bcn. see you soon. very soon=)

vadå tecken? i had this cqappuccino earlier this evening..and i saw that it said amigos on it. if thats not a sign then i dont know what it is. all i know is that im gnna have aloooot of them (cappuccinos) in bcn. hehe.

hasta pronto.

amor/

Hanni