today something happened that changed the rest of my day. it may not be that big to some ppl but it affected me a great deal. so much that it was impossible for me to do all the other things that i was supposed to do today. im still affected actually. my dog killed a bird. a quite big bird. may not sound very big but it was quite awful actually to see the bird hanging in her mouth like that. it was already dead of course. the bird probably died out of pure chock (thank god for that or that vision would have been very hard for me to remove out of my brain...) I was upstairs in the bathroom putting on my make-up when I heard this sound from downstairs. it sounded a bit like our dog had knocked over our trash can (its a quite tall one, made of steel, that she loves knocking over when were not there and she´s restless and bored) . so i was only partly surprised when i heard that sound. but i still went downstairs to see what had happened. so i went downstairs and looked through our sindow that we have between our staircase and our kitchen and from where I was standing, the trash can was standing up so i thought...hmmm. what has happened? and i went out to our garden and i saw one of our dogs standng there in the middle of the garden with the bird in her mouth. its a living thing. an animal. it would be one thing if it was  a dead fish or something. a fish that hd been rolled over on the beach. that i can get. but a bird? i had to hell her like 10 times or even more to drop the bird until she finally let it go.

i told her afterwards that that as a very bad thing but shes a dog. she doesnt know right from wrong. shes a hunting labrador or whatever the breed is called (jaktlabrador på svenska) so shes def got the hunting thing in her genes.. and once the animal is dead she doesnt care about it anymore. cus its all about the hunting. i get it. its exciting to hunt, to not know whether or not ur gonna catch the animal. but still....

i get so affected by these things. i started to cry. i started to shake. i was in chock. i didnt know what to do. so i left the bird where it was on the ground and took the dogs on a walk. that helped a little. when i came home, i looked for big gears that i could use to take up the bird but when i was about 2 meters from the bird i just couldnt. it was impossible. how do u touch, even with a gear, a dead animal? 

so i left. i took the dogs in the house and went to helsingborg to do some arrends, bought a coffee and a nutty bar thinking that would work. but of course it didnt help. it was still in my head. in front of my eyes. the feeling of helplessness, the feeling that our dog had killed a bird. i know its prob common for dogs like her to do these kinda things. i know shes far from being the only dog to do this sort of thing. but...it still haunted me. it still does. 

i twent home, made some (late) lunch, ate my lunch while watching an episode of Friends that was on TV and felt a bit better. it was good to laugh. really good actually. makes u forget. at least for a while. I called my parents after finishing my lunch and told them about it. and suddenly i felt a lot better. as if it was a load of my mind (is that the right expression?) u know what i mean. sharing or telling what has happened heals u. at least a bit. for the moment..

writing about it heals me. 

i know i might sound a bit crazy to get affected by these small things, but its true. thats just the way it is.

hopefully i will feel better tonite when i meet my friends for quiz night. or maybe tmrw when its a new day..

although, one thing that im proud of is that i didnt do emotional eating. i wanted to go straight for the cookies or the chocolate or anything that is sweet. but i decided couple of days ago to not do that. sure , it feels good . for the moment. but it doesnt help u feel better. not in the long run....the emotions are still there. so its better to just let everything out. in one way or the other.=)

anyway. wish u all a beautiful thursday night.

lots of love/hanni