yep. as i wrote on the titel its time for some serious kick assing self-confidence. ive bee too much of a coward when it comes to really do what i love. things that i before thought was too shallow or, really, I thought people would look down on me if I put posts about fashion in my blog but now the times have changed. who cares what people think right.? anyway here are some outfits and accessories that i would absolutely KILL FOR to have in my closet right now. most of them i found on either instyle.com (my favorite us magazine) and my favorite streetwear photographer, the Sartorialist´s website. 

these are Derek Lam sandals. how pretty arent they?

and this IPad case comes from DIOR. absolutely to die for,  looove strong colours!

and these flats are from marni. sooooo cuuute

im seriously in love with this coat.soo beautiful

i just love her entire look and that she does it with a beautiful and relaxing attitude makes the wonderful=)and those shoes! oh my fucking god. i want them!

sooo pretty. everything from the shoes to the colours and the fabrics...everythings perfect on this girl

pink and blue is a combo that i really like. and if the skirt is a princess ish skirt then...

i love this coat. its sooo pretty with the small details on the bottom

well that was for today. tune in for some more updates on the fashion part.

hasta luego chicos

h

a day like today it feels a bit strange to be dreaming away considering the sky is blue like theres no end to it, no clouds in sight. the temperature is about 20 degrees. everything gets a bit calmer these days when its sunny. everyone gets into summer mode. summer and freedom is what is on everyones mind. including mine. but i am dreaming away. what my future will be like. my future in sweden (atleast for the year to come). it will def be very different from what im used to. im used to nice weather (more or less), be a foreigner, talking to and getting to know new people. doing tough challenges. but now im dreaming of something completely different. a piece of me was ready for that life 2 years ago when i finished my studies in paris but not all of me. but now that i feel more confident and more mature i feel that im def more ready for the real life. the reality.I´ve absolutely loved these 8 years abroad. it has given me soo much. all the experiences ive had. all the amazing people that ive had the opportunity to meet and become friends with (not all of them but most of them). get to know 3 different cultures, 3 different languages, similar but yet very different from each other. and ive loved the freedom that has come with it. but now...

ive changed. or maybe its just me growing up. atleast a bit. everything that i wanted before (or most of it anyway) is not that tempting and necessairy anymore. i want a different life. not that im unhappy or unsatisfied but i need something different now and that is something called, a job. yes i love the freedom that comes with studying, but seriously, living with like almost no money at all, how fun is that? i know money doesnt make u happy but it does give you many advantages. like, being able to have dinner outside once in a while, or drinks or travelling, being able to afford your own place. being effecient and productive, hopefully hava a job that you love or atleast care for. hopefully work with a group of nice people. and get to choose YOUR life. ofcourse more responsability come with this. but maybe thats not so bad after all..personally i dont have that much experience of having alot of responsability but the more you work on it the more you get used to it and it eventually becomes a habit, (i guess...u can correct me if im wrong). so my point with this is that i actually cant wait to move back to sweden. maybe i havent told you readers about this decision? so yes, im moving back to sweden as soon as my studies here are done. of course there are alot of things that i will miss about barcelona. like the nice weather, the beach, the low prices everywhere, that u can have a cappuccino for only 1.2 euros! u cant even get an expresso for that kind of money in sweden. so its def easier to have a social life here. but being single in a foreign country is not so much fun after doing it for 7 years. it gets quite tiring to always live by ur self (weather u share appartment or not). of course i know there are many single people out there who live in their own country, but living without a safety net like i do and being single is not that cracked up as it seems. becus after doing it for 7 years, uve done all the bar hopping and disco hopping. and if the people comes and goes in your life.. its like theres no real foundation. u have to create that foundation inside of you. and yes, the foundation in me is def bigger now that it used to be, nowadays i know that its all up to me to make my self happy and its not up to anyone else. so thats a positive change. ill give you that. but the foundation of family and friends..god i miss it. having a real life. an actual real life with a job and the freedom that comes with THAT. i cant wait to have it u cant believe it.  

As ive written in a previously post i follow a couple of blogs. swedish ones. and two of them is about two women (both in their early thirties) and they both own a fashion magazine and they are residents in new york. and they fly to L.A, to miami, to tokyo, milan, verbier, u name it. its my fream life, except that my dream isnt to be a journalist but a photographer. i want their life. the glamour. (althou i am aware of that that they work very hard and its not only party party). the travelling. the different cities in different cultures. doing something that u love with all ur heart and also getting paid for it! oh my god, that is my dream. THE dream. and doing something that has a purpose. feeling that what u do hopefully inspire alot of people. or just give people the feeling of happiness depending on what you do for a living. and also feeling as you are apart of something. something bigger than just u on ur own. when ur young, (well youngER, i.e in your early twenties) life is all about fun. meeting new people, hanging out with friends all the time. doing stuff with your friends. partying like crazy. and maybe not studying so much. (depending on what kind of person you are)  but then when u grow up, u realize that having just fun and hanging out with your friends is not that much fun anymore. you suddenty want and need more. something more real. something that is satisfying. you realize that you want to focus more on YOUR life rather than just the social life. create your own life outside of your friends. and eventually making a family of your own.

when i wrote that post about blogs that are all about what clothes you like and what outfits you wear and so on,  i wrote that becus i was jelous of them. becus i didnt have the confidence to do what they do. they have the guts to follow their dream. and they do it. i admire them for that. then if they are a bit shallow when it comes to what they put in their blogs, thats a different story, but atleast they do what they love. and they are not ashamed of it which is something i admire them for since in sweden standing for being shallow is a sin deeper than,lets say being unfaithful or something similar. so thats why i admire them so much becus they are not afriad of living their dream. they make it happen. and that is something that im gonna do as soon as im truly ready for it. maybe it wont be amazing my first day at work or the second or even the 50th. but i am gonna get there. becus im so much stronger now and soon ready to get into the working mode! 

my body is restless. my brain is restless. inside of thou is calm becus of my higher self-esteem, and i start to really enjoy my own company which is something that ive always, subconciously, dreamed of. so thats big. but inside of me is a force that cant wait to get out. that cant wait to go back and start to live the real life. to leave this pretend world that i feel that im living in, a very pretty pretend world thou. 

i want to be and feel that im effecient. productive. i want to discuss all the ideas and dreams and ambitions i have. i want to be surrounded by genuinly kind and funny people that inspire me. i ache for something real. for real people. not that the people here are shallow, but with real i mean is people that ive either known for a long time or people that i feel i can share my passions with for real. have real and deep conversations. not only about what you did this week end or what a shame that the weather is bad. to really enjoy a deep conversation with an old friend or even a relative. or a conversation with someone that uve known for ages that u might not be close with but becus of the history that you have with this person, the conversation can be meaningful too. i really ache for this. and yes, i could deal with reality here and now of course. i could get a job here. but deep inside i feel that im not ready for it. yet. not yet. i feel that i need this time to developpe, to grow, to find my own style when it comes to my blog, or my thoughts about whatever it may concern, my style when it comes to photography. i need this time to explore MY world outside of what im used to with hanging out with people and all that. i need to explore my inner self. i need to find that inner peace within my self (called, loving ur self no matter what;P) but when im ready, you will notice it, thats for sure=)

have a great day and i hope you all have as much sunshine as we have here=)

lots of amor,

hanni

im right now sitting in my bed listening to rod stewart who i think make wonderful songs. they are so peaceful and romantic and beautiful. before that i watched some clips of Ellen which always makes me smile and laugh out loud. this is something that love doing when i spend time doing nothing special when im home. i think sundays are the best days of the week. they are so calm and tranquillos. no pressure. no musts. you just do whatever you want to do. if u feel like staying in the whole you do that (althou ive never accomplished that...ive got too much energy to stay in a whole day;P)

another thing that i usually do and love doing on sundays is, how crazy as it might sound;P is washing clothes and bed clothes, cleaning my room, listening to soft music, reading a book, watching some shows. just taking it easy u know. and then after a couple of hours getting ready to go to a (hopefully a new one=))café. cafés to me is like the coffee everyone needs to have iin the morning to wake up. i dont drink coffee in the morning but cappuccinos in cafés...oh i love them! i usually prefer going to cafés by myself, that way i can gather my thoughts and maybe just read a book or watch people.

theres something peaceful about sundays. i guess its becus theres less or no pressure of having to do anything. you can just be lazy=)

and today is just one of those lazy days. yday i was so...social and i was outside allmost all day long so day i just feel like being by myself and and do some serious chilling. dont know where im gonna go thou (i mean café) but im sure i can find a nice cafe. 

im soon gonna put on some clothes and go to a cafe i think. im already hungry and i ate only 2 hours ago...hmmm

have a beautiful and lazy sunday.

amor,

h 

today has been a quite unusual but really nice and relaxing day. it vstarted with me having to get up early becus i had to go the the beach to have a class there (the journalism class we have, we didnt have it this thursday so we were gonna have it today instead between 10-12am) so i got there a bit late and all i saw was 4 of my classmates. no teachers in sight. we waited for half an hour. still no teachers nor anyone else got there except for one more guy. we called the school. they didnt have any news, we called the assistant to our teacher who also were supposed to be there, nope, ha hadnt heard anything from our teacher...we waited half hour more, in total we (well my classmates not me since i got like 25 minutes late) waited 2 hours...and still no teachers or anyone else for that matter so we gave up the aiting and went to a bar closeby and had a drink instead. but it was a beautiful day, cblue sky and warm weather so we didnt really complain;P. and then after saying goodbye to my classmates (after about 45 minutes or so) they went one way and i went straight to the beach where i layed down on the sand just enoying he sound of the waves. wonderful! the sea is really beautiful here. it has a turqoise color and the waves are soft and kind. there werent that much ppl for being april. i felt quite strange not seeing the beach covered in people everywhere but i guess its becus of the strange weather we have been having recently. cloudy, windy, stortm, rain, hagel, the typical april weather u know...in sweden its not strange to have odd weather, we re kinda used to it, but here...i remember laying on the beach in bikini one year ago in april. and it was hot! but still, its kinda nice that there was few people on the beach, a bit more tranquillo..and way less "cerveza, beeeer, cold waaaater people and masaje people" passing by and annoying us just by their presence (always pakistan people who try to sell eaither beer, water or mojitos on the beach. 0-1 to barcelona...and the masaje people are asian women trying to sell massage for 5-10 euros on the beach, althu they dont really know how to pronounce the word so they say, mensaaaaje, instead of masaje..mensaje means message, and masaje means massage;P  but except those people, it was really really really nice laying on the beach. i read my book (a swedish book written by a swedish fashion blogger), i just started reading it but its quite entertaining actually. havent got that far yet in the book but its better than i thought it would be. and then after a while a swedish friend came to join me=) a girl who i got to know last year whose triplet sister is a friend of mine back in Paris. anyway J lives here and shes a sweatheart. so sweet all the time. so we went to have take away wok and ate it at the beach and then when we had finished eating that we went to buy take away cafe con leche and some ice cream=) and we sat down on a bench at the harbour. it was really nice. we had some really interesting conversations about guys, swedish guys and southamericans, and journeys to central america...really interesting conversations=) 

then at 4 ish pm J went home and i continued my walking to the center where i spent the rest of the afternoon taking pictures of people for my final project for my journalism class. 

i went home, rested for about 1½ hour and then went out for a run and i sear, it seemed like the whole city had gone missing or something. the streets were empty. im not exaggerating. ive never seen them so empty. there was even more peole on the streets during the cold months during the winter...but i knew the reason ebhind the "emptyness". and that is that it was the fotboll game (el classico) between barca and real madrid on=)so everyone, and then i mean EVERYONE was sitting in bars watching the game on the television. or standing outside the bar trying to get a glimpse of the television..it was really spooky actually to run down along the empty streets...it was the strangest feeling... AND to make matters worse;P it started to rain when i was on my way back;P but i didnt get super wet. only a bit. and plus my hair actually gets more curly when rain drops hit my hair so i didnt really mind...

so its been an unusual day but a good one.=) and plus, i got suntanned! in my face=) first time of the year, wihooo. 

so im no longer pale. another wihoo. maybe it will be gone by the end of next week, who knows, but im def gonna enjoy my suntan while it lasts=)

ok, im gonna watch a video with julia roberts and mel gibson that i rented yday=)

have a great evening and sunday!

love, h

this morning when there was barely any people on the beach..

i thought this woman was quite fun to take pictures of..

a man enjoying the nice weather

two people looking at the beautiful sea

isn the sea just soo beautiful?

ooooh bare feet!

beautiful sky..

a heavy sleeper..

happy feet=)

ice cream and coffee by the harbour

yummy!

i seriously looove the sky here in barcelona. i know, sky is sky, but theres something about the sky here in south of europe.  remember it being the same thing in paris. the sky there was just wonderful. so beautiul and colorful. here it is less colorful but the way the clouds move here....wow.

yes please! (burger king)

another beautiful sky

me through the window

people watching

hoss intropia....i love ther clothes. i wouldnt mind having a couple of those dresses in my closet, thats for sure...

my favorite colours...purple, blue and pink=)

passeig de gracia

i found this adorable little flower shop on the way home. their roses were amazing!

and here are some really beautiful trees that i took like a thousand pictures of...the light and the colours were just so pretty

love, amor, kärlek, amore, y amour=)

last week and this week we had two really interesting and fun photo sessions. last week we did circus theme. we had 5 models i think who wore different outfits representing different "caracters". that was really fun! and plus we also had this huuuge woom machine coming all the way from the united states...that was one impressive machine  have to tell you...and this week we did portraits (retratos). we each had about 30 minutes to take pictures of one or two peple in our class and we could choose which ever light we wanted and what kind of effect we wanted, shadows, no shadows, big contrast or not, fluor light or soft light...i took pictures of my german friend K. i had  alot of fun=) i dont know if K enjoyed it as much a s I did since she was the one modelling for me and i wanted her to pull different kind of faces which i can udnerstand are not always so easy to pull, such as being sad, angry, disapointed, happy, surprised...but we did our best and i got couple of really good pictures.so im satisfied with the photo shoot=) and later on when some of my classmates had their turn to take pictures they put on some musica...music always makes these kind of situations so much more fun! 

here are some of the pictures that i took with my Itouch...

this is the huuuge zoom machine that i was telling you about. isn it huge?

karina, bardia, andrina and marc looking though the pictures

bardias happy to be back in the sun after spending the easter holiday in norway=)

this is the bar where we always go to when we have our break

andrina (croatian girl) taking photos

this girl looked so good in the pictures!

i love the big circle that the huge zoom made. so cool

dont know what caracter this guy was playing but he did a good job

this girl was russian and played alice in wonderland=) she was also really good in the pictures- good model features

Karina

this guy i liked. he played a mute guy. i loved his outfit and his acting!

melike (turkish) telling the guy how he should move

oh this girl , she was soo pretty. like an angel. i took photos of her but in a different outfit. AND she spoke really good english too! so easy to work with, can sometimes be hard to give instructions in half bad spanish;P

the two male models finnaly together..the poor guys were the last ones i think to be models...all together this photo shoot took 5 hours with all the changing of clothes and stuff...

and this is this wensday. marc helping karina with the fluor light

melike was like always our model;P with that long and beautiful hair...impossible not to be a our model and shes also our teachers "muse" hahah

andrina doing....something....

andrina looking to see if everything worked out well i think

me i was just happy to already have it done..i was one of the first one to take pictures 

that light was soo strong. i modelled after melike and god the light was strong! u couldnt even look straight it was so strong. u had to close ur eyes until the person taking the pictures counted to 3 so u could open ur eyes. i had to wipe my eyes every other minute...

karina taking photos of Marc (Catalan)

and this monday we are doing the same thing becus not everyone had the time to do it this week so we did half of the ppl this week and the other week on monday. so i guess ill just go there..doing....something...maybe modelling? dont know, but it ll be nice to go to a class and having this already done, thats for sure=) 

have a beautiful week!

h

jag följer några svenska bloggar som jag tycker är väldigt bra, ja vissa är bättre än andra men de som är minre bra har ändå nånting att erbjuda. jag tycker om att följa med in i någon annans liv med allt det kan erbjuda. det är väldigt spännande och läsa om världar som man inte är en del av men som man ändå kan få en glimps av via deras bloggar. jag tycker det är roligt att se deras olika stilar. hur pass öppna och ärliga de vågar vara. vissa vågar vara sig själva till 100 % medans andra är..jag vet. det e mycket möjligt att alla e sig själva när de skrive rom deras liv, det e kanske mer så att vissa har skönare personlighet än andra. men hur underbart jag än tycker det är att följa deras liv så kan det också bli för mycket ut av det goda. jag har inget emot att man skriver och berättar om fantastiska saker som händer i ens liv och alla har absolut sin egen stil men vissa bloggar fokuserar enbart på vilka märken de använder och vilka fester de går på och till slut så blir det lite enformigt. skönare om man mixar roliga saker med ens vanliga vardag när man gör ingeniting och e hemma o slappar tex. tillslut blir det lite social ångest. att man måste vara social och ha ett fantastiskt liv för att vara lyckad. visst jag tycker om mitt liv även om jag inte har riktigt kommit dit jag vill 'än (det sägs att ens drömliv kommer till en när man först älskar sig själv och tror till 100% på att man förtjänar ens drömliv  så jag väntar fortf på det älskandet av sig ska kicka in;P så att jag kan leva mitt drömliv haha) men det kan ändå blir lite för mycket av det goda tycker jag. eller så kan det vara så att jag bara är avundsjuk på dessa personer efetrsom de lever sina drömliv, mycket möjlgt att det är så. men vissa bloggar (typ ebba von sydows och carolina gynnings bloggar som jag älskar mest), de förskönar inte sina liv. de bara är dem som de är. de skriver precis som de känner och det har ingest med flashiga fester att göra (inget fel med flashiga fester måste jag tillägga) men jag tycker det är roligare eller kanske intressantare att läsa om folks vardagar. för ibland kan det faktiskt bli lite social ångest över allt bloggande. man ska ha ett fantastiskt liv och mer därtill. man ska ha så mycket av det ena och det andra och man ska helst vara ute varje kväll. jag har inget emot att läsa om fester och galamiddagar o sånt som folk går på eller relasefester osv men vad jag skulle vilja ha mer av e det där vanliga livet som inte bara handlar om det ytliga. för hur underbart det ytliga kan vara så når det så småningom till en viss gräns där det inte är lika kul längre att läsa om det. jag vill ha mer äkthet om man kan kalla det för det. det där vanliga vardagstänket. funderingar, spännande projekt som man har, ens misslyckande eller misstag, lite humor. lite självdistans. när man inte tar sg själv på så stort allvar. när man mixar det yttre med det inre helt enkelt. det blir så mycket intressantare då.

jag älskar att läsa om mode, om kunglgheter, om utställningarm om folk går på olika/nya kafeer och brunchställen. så länge det skrivs om på ett skönt sätt så följer jag dem mer än gärna.

men visst det är väldigt intressant att få följa människors bloggar om release fester o glammiga tillställningar osv. men lite mer skön stil hade inte skadat.

här kommer lite vårtecken för er som saknar solen=)

hasta pronto!

kaaaarlek/h

today i had pasta for lunch. delicious pasta really. some kind of tortellini ith pears and some kind of cheese inside. so good! of course i ate too much. what IS it with pasta and wanting to eat so much u just want to explode? ok, i didnt eat THAT much, i actually eat way less no than i did before, but still. its like IMPOSSIBLE to eat little whn u eat pasta. i dont know HOW the french ppl can eat so small portions of pasta, and they only have ONE portion of pasta...for me, thats mission impossible. i can without any problem have only one portion when it comes to proteins, but when it comes to carbs? and especially pasta? impossible. it apparently has something to do with something in the brain that produces (?) endorfines when u eat pasta which makes u happy and thats (i think) may be the reason why the brain wants more. just like when u eat chocolate or candy or something that contains sugar. 

anyway, i had plans on going for a run today after coming home from spanish class but it really looked like it was gonna rain any second so i figured it would be better to stay at home instead..and of course it hasnt started raining.. jeje. whaat to do, whaat to do. so instead and also becus i was in a very content mood i played aorund with the camera, i.e i took pictures of my self in the mirror which is something that  love doing becus i try to take pictures from different angels and with different lights and stuff...sometimes i the pictures are good and sometimes i have to take like a thousand pictures just to get ONE right..

i am a big fan of a swedish artist called carolina gynning which is like the coolest woman on earth becus shes just soo ...unique. she s loud (which is very rare in sweden where no one dares to be loud), she laughs alot, shes not afraid of saying whats on her mind, whether its about clothes, her own paintings or about money or whatever the topic may be. shes really nice, she s alot, (which is also very rare in sweden). shes driven, she has like a million things going on even thou shes pregnant big time, shes due any day now i think and shes huge, but soo beautiful. she used to be a model. so she really got the model features..and she keeps a blog about her life.  and there she put this show where this hostess, carina berg, asked her about things in general and they laughed alot (they know each other really well becus they used to have a show together and they got along really well). anyhew, it made me long for sweden soo much. more and more. and it starts to ache in my heart whenever i see something from sweden. it can be a blog, or a picture of my niece. and my life here is starting to fade a bit. its not that im thinking that the grass is greener on the other side, its actually more realistic thoughts i have about my near future. 

just hanging out with swedish people, or mayeb just hearing swedish everywhere and having to feel stupid if theres something that i dont understand or think about the cultural differences. barcelona may have nice people and sunny weather but sweden have a good standard on things, its nice and fresh everywhere, yes life there IS expensive but if you get what you pay for also...and administration things are easy and go fast compared to france where they looove paper work...

now i only got 2 months left in school and i can feel that my energy is getting lower and lower. im starting to run out of energy and strength to do my work. the thing is that when i know i HAVE to do things, i automaticly get lazy. i dont do it with joy and positive energy. i do it becus need to do it wheareas if i do things on my own just becus I WANT to do it then i do it with a smile and looots of joy. and i do it with all my heart. but when its projects that you have to think about how u want it and u have to do preperations...it aint my thing. its like i get paralyzed and stubborn. just becus i HAVE to do it, i dont want to do i. i want to do it MY WAY but thats not possible in school. well i can of course choose my own themes for my projects but its not ME who have chosen to DO the projectmm its the school. and now that its the trisemester, i can feel the lazyness coming over me. i dont want to do rojects, i just want to get t over with. i want to get it done u know. on one side i want it to be summer so i can move back home and just relaxe and not think about school and just hang ou with my family and friends etc but on the other hand i dont want this semester to end becus that would mean no mroe barcelona for me. well atleast not the for the time being. so im gonna enjoy this last semester to the fullest. the beach, hopefully the nice weather (if it decides to come back...;P, right now its also a bit stubborn, its like fall here...) and enjoy the restaurants and the nightlife and the friends that i have made here and my spanish school..

here are the pictures i took earlier today.

trying to look sensual but im not sure it really works on me...

putting two fingers in my mouth just like i did when i was 3 years old...

our extremely confortable couch

i just love our mirror. its soo big. isn it beautiful with all the white frames? it looks so antique in a way...

hello there ceiling...how are you doing today?

doing sad faces

doing strange faces

looking..i dont what kind of face

looking surprised

and here are my beautiful converses and my beautiful blue shirt. yes i know it looks like im pregnant but im not(!), its just the shirt that has a lot of volume

that was it for today.

hope you have a beautiful day whether you have sunny weather or not.

karlek/h

recently ive been thinking alot about different stuff. about my fears, my shame, my fear of not being enough etc. and its quite ironic (considering that ive lived abroad for the last 8 years) that the only times when i feel absolutely safe and relaxed and i dont care about what other people think is when i am either alone or with my friends back home and when i know im not being judged by anyone. so it is quite ironic that ive put myself in akward and non-safe situations many times in my life considering that I dont like myself when im in these kind of situations.. situations such as living and studying by my self in a country where i dont speak the language (more or less). ive gone to 3 different schools (education wise), in 3 different countries, in which i lived 3½ years in one of the countries constantly struggling with stubborn french ppl who have to do things their way (or its the high way) and sewing or designing wasnt even my thing...where i even got the guts or energy to study one program in italian, then move home, then move to france where i did a whole program in french in Paris of all cities, giving up due to unhappyness AND moving to another country where i didnt speak the language and starting an intensive course in a subject i did not know that much about (and still dont) is beyond me. and the thing is, people keep telling me that im brave, and yes, when it comes to moving from one country to another, i can admit that im brave, but what you all dont know is all the times,when ive been totally PARALYZED with fear everytime that ve put myself in a new situation. and i realise now that up until now, i couldnt be myself in situations where i didnt feel safe (well its a working progress) and with safe i mean, not being good in what i did or knowing what the hell i was doing for that matter..ive had alooot of shame in maaaany situations (always when its about being under the slightest bit of pressure) for the last decade i would say...well probably in my whole life but thats another story. anyhew, ive always been soo afraid of not being perfect, and i mean in all kinds of situations. not only in school, but in everything. among friends, being shy among ppl, not being funny enough, not being smart enough, not being tough enough, not being skinny enough (like almost all girls i assume). yeah the list can go on forever. so ive had so much fear of not being perfect and so much guilt over the years that eventually i went mad. and thats when my coach came into the picture. and she practically saved my life. I wouldnt be here if it wouldnt be for here (not literally of course) but mentally wise, yes. ive had so much guilt and fear that ive missed out on so many things. well everyone lives their own life, and everyone likes to do different kind of things of course and one life is not better compared to one other´s life of course but still. i could have saved sooo much energy and worry if i didnt have all these fears and shame blocking everything that came into my mind. i was (and still am a bit) so worried of what everyone would think of and i mean in EVERY LITTLE SITUATION that you can think of that i havent been really enjoying any of it.. i used to analyze EVERYTHING that everyone did and what i did and how i did it comparedto everyone else. and of course what i did wasnt good enough. never good enough. it makes you quite tired i can tell you. tired is actually not big enough of a word. exhausted is a better definition. that might be the reason why its so important to me to really relaxe when im on holiday. i usually dont do that much stuff except for the usual thing like going to the center, having coffee or lunch with family or friends or going shopping or swimming or reading a book and so on. you get the picture. but ive never really done anything out of the ordinairy like going on trips with friends ( well i did it in high school but thats different becus ur still a teenager back then and u dont live ur own life) or going to spas or i dont know. just fun stuff that i always hear my friends doing in the summer. i think one more reason to this could be (except being a huge fan of it) that if DIDNT relax 100 % lets say in the summer, i knew i wouldnt have the energy that was demanded to be able to do another year in paris as an example. 

this year when ive been living in barcelona, taking photography classes have been a huge challenge for me. bigger challenge that i thought it would be. just before starting taking the intensive class i didnt really think that much about it becus i had nothing to compare it to. well yes i did but this time it was different since it would be in spanish which was a language that i didnt know that much about back then and it was photography which sounds much easier that it actually is. but after a while i realised how tough and intensive it was, especially considering that i didnt speak speanish that well. so i was terrified everytime we had to present our pictures and i could even do it in english but i was still terrified of failing or just not being good enough since i didnt know anything about photography whatsoever. becus having a sense of what is right when it comes to taking pictures doesnt necesairly mean that you can get it on paper. and especially not with system cameras which is something that i still struggle with. last fall, that got a bit better, i mean presenting our work, becus i was and am still studying spanish at the same time as i was/am studying photography which has helped me more than you could imagine. so i WAS more confident about speaking spanish but i was still soo afraid of not being perfect and doing things perfect. but today (after a "set back") ive realized (many realizations here;P) that ive had it. i cant care less about being perfect anymore, atleast not in the fashion class. im sick of it. so from now im not gonna care anymore if i do things perfect or not. its probably easier said than done (so dont get surprised if you soon read a post where I write about fears at school again:P) but im gonna do my best to stay there. and im gonna do the best i can to make my self laugh as much as possible. becus what is life without laughter?

i take fashion and journalism photography. two areas which are very different from one another. two classes with teachers totally different from one another. one class where its more practical things (fashion) and where you talk more with one´s classmates and one class where its more about showing in pictures of how you can do it (journalism).i like both of the classes and it changes from week to week which class i think isthe  best. the journalism photography class is very calm, the teachers are really calm and nice and very professional. (i have two teachers there), im the only student from a non spanish-speaking country. the rest is either spanish or southamericans. but they are very understanding and they dont care if my spanish is good or not. they are really kind. they are def older than me (except one girl who is 3 years younger than me) becus this is an evening class so everyone except me and maybe the youger girl, work during the day. so they dont go there to make friends with people. they are there to learn. which is something that i love becus then im not under the pressure to have interesting conversations in spanish. the other class is different. we are 5 foreigners in total. me, a german girl, a croation girl, a turkish girl and one iranian guy who has lived in norway for the last 10 or 11 years. we foreigners are between 26 and 34 years old. the rest of the class are catalans and two from bilbao. the spanish ppl in my class are very kind but also def more childish and sometimes very lazy and childish (one person in particular). our teacher is really nice but i think hes getting a bit frustrated with us becus we are in the end of the year and everyones getting in a "summer" mode.. anyway. we do more things there like doing photoshoots with different kinds of light sources etc so the pressure is of course a bit higher.

and its here where my fear and my shame of not being good or perfect enough come in the picture. theres something with the ppl and the teacher and the assignments that makes me so afraid of not being enough. i dont know what it is but theres def something in the air.. probably becus they demand more of us students- there have been so many times where ive been afraid of going to the class becus ive had so much shame and fear so sometimes (or actually more and more often) i ve just wanted to give in and move back home becus its been too much for me. but that feeling of not being enough or feeling of frustration or fear or guilt or whatever feeling it may be usually goes away after a while after that my brain has calmed down a bit;P

 i know deep down that i really like it here (well less now than before but i still like living in bcn) that i know if id have the choice i would probably stay here instead of moving back home. (for now that is). sometimes i wonder if ive put myself in way too deep water doing these photography courses in spanish and sometimes i wonder if ive completely lost it- moving  to a city and studying there for the 4th time in a row. i mean, who does that? only crazy and completely insane people do the things that ive put myself through...and especially considering  ive been so insecure about every little detail...

and in the other class they dont demand anything. we are all equally good so to speak. so im def more relaxed in that class (the journalism class). but on the other hand its really nice to actually talk to people and having actual conversations with people in your own age (the fashion photography class). but the journalism class is closer to my heart becus thats what i want to do when i eventually get a job that i like. (i want to take photographs of different lifestyles around the world) and the fashion class is something i do for my cv since ive studied fashion design before. and also becus its good to know a bit outside of the box. so i cant really decide which one is my favorite class. 

this year ive worked alot on my fears and my shame and even thou it hurts like hell (not physically but mentally) to fall (again, mentally, not physically) its only then and there when i really grow. i usually realize that ive grown a cm or two when ive stopped crying just for a second. and i get so proud of my self each time it has hit me that ive actually grown a bit. and for everytime that i grow, i get a bit (and i mean, a BIT) calmer and safer within my self and i can see the picture from a different perspective.(i usually smile during these moments of AHA=) atleast for the time being. sometimes my damn ego makes sure i fall back. but i try not to. its not always easy to see the light in the tunnel (as i assume its for everyone who find them selfs in a not so desirable situation) but something that ive done for the last month or so to cheer my self up is watching ELLEN. (Friends work too). becus ellen is sooo damn funny and one of a kind. shes....her self. she cracks me up just being her. just her face expressions are hilarious or when she really admires someone or when she doesnt really understand what her guests are saying...shes priceless. and i think theres not a single person in the world that doenst adore her, becus shes just her self. so she is def someone that i have deep admiration for. and plus i laugh sooo much everytime i watch one of her shown on youtube. and it puts me in such a good mood that i forget about the outside world. i forget about all my fears. and my shame and me not being good enough. i forget about all that. i forget about looks. i forget about thoughts about friends or family. i forget about everything and i just live in the moment. and in that moment, i dont need anything else. even if its just for a second..