ive been thinking lately alot about guy and relationships and singlehood etc. how it seem to work for man ppl and well everything about it really. i ve dated alot of ifferent kinds of guys. it started with my first boyfriend at the age of 16. we were in the same class in high school and we plus some other ppl in my class started hanging out and it didnt take me long to figure out that I really liked the guy. so one day, out on a field close to the sea (we had activity day) i decided i would hug him. just like that. and so i did. and i could feel his surprise but i was very confident about it and he seemed to like it alot so he hugged me back. i was into another guy too back then who was one year older (first year of high school...the guys in softmore year was very interesting to us girls in first year..) but it didnt take me long to understand that it was just a crush i had on this older guy and that my interest for the other guy was bigger. so we became a couple only like 2 weeks after that hug. we had  alot of fun during that time, but we were both very insecure obviously since we were only 16 years old. so i broke up with him 3 months later which was very tough becus , evevry break-up is tough i think, no matter what age you are. anyway, i was miserable for a couple of months (we did go to the same class..that made it kinda hard to move on) until one of my sisters decided that she had had enough of my suffering becus of this guy and told me to stop with the suffering and start living instead. might sound harsh but i needed to hear that. so after that i felt alot better and in the end of freshman year i finally felt good about myelf again and started having fun with other guys again. i had a blast that summer living my life. and then when we started softmore year he ecided he wanted me back, which i wasnt too sure of. eventually he persuaded me that he was a changed man and we became a couple again. we were together for 3 years that time (with a mini break in the last year of high school). and we had fun. lots of fun. but i always knew that he wasnt the one. i remember even thinking that thought in the very beginning of our "2nd" relationship that it would only last a couple of years. not that i regret being with him. he was a very sweet guy, a bit insecure about himself but hey, who isnt at the age of 17..i broke up with him when i was 20 thinking i would only be single for maybe 2 years or so.. 

after i broke up with him i moved to florence, and found the italians way to sleezy and way to focused on the blond girls from sweden (i actually had to colour my hair brown at one point cus i couldnt stand their wistling etc, but thats another story). so i didnt date in Florence but it was ok, i wasnt ready for it. i dated a bit when i was back home for summer vacation but it was all very innocent dating. fun, but nothing serious. then i moved to parris and during 2nd year my dating took off quite alot. i was in a good flow with myself and my life. i flirted with different kinds of guys, i went on dates, had my heart broken by a player (alltho he did appologize for that later on so we are friends since that moment=)). i dated really all kinds of guys. or maybe they were all in the sae kind of category, more alike than i realised back then. they were guys who all had studied economy and went to business school. and they were fun for  while but too obsessed about money and their appareance. especially one guy who me and my best friend called drama queen lol cus during one month he came up with more and more dramatic stuff (well he was very polite and all, and i dont regret dating him, but still..) that my best friend who followed me on skype during that month gave him the nickname drama queen. very fun, but exhausting after a while=) he was really nice but we were just too different. so all the guys that i dated during that year were all economists and i remember thinking...is this it? they all look good (well more or less) but they remind me waay to much of the guys from my schools back home. they are all the same kind, dress the same way and they think the same way ...no i need something else. 

so in barcelona i did date other kinds of guys. there was one autralian guy who was back packing through europe when we found each other and we dated for couple of months and he was really sweet. and then he moved to england which was fine cus we werent cut out for each other anyways, and then there was an Argentinian guy who worked with photograpy and then a French guy.. i had fun, but ...i could tell something was missing. then....then one month before moving back to Sweden i was visiting a good friend who was living in Tarifa (southest point of Spain and also surfer paradise) and i had a love-at-first-sight-moment with a guy from Malaga. i hadnt believed in love at first sight until that moment thinking it would never happen to me anyways so why bother wishing for it...until ..that evening when i was having the time of my life dancing like crazy to every song. we stayed in touch during that summer and then we became a couple in september that year (so in 2012). i was in denial big time that year. i enjoyed our time together, cus he was my boyfriend and i loved him but it def a relationship based on fear. u know that kind of relationship when u deny all of ur emotions and u cant be urself? that was me in 2012/2013. it wasnt a very good relationship (alltho we did have our moments), i wasnt good for him and he wasnt good for me. he was jealous of my life and i guess i was jealous of his life. not a good combo i might add=) i broke up with him that next summer. and it took me about 9 months before i could date again cus i was so...low on energy. but then spring came and i started dating again. and back then i didnt realise that i wasnt that stable as i thought i was. so of course the dating all panned out in the end (thank good for that). i think i dated 3 guys during that spring and i think i needed that energy. it kinda brought me back to life.i regained some of my confidence that i had lost uring me past relationship. and the guys that i dated (it was very intense dating=)) were all very different from each other. 2 swedish guys, one from malmö and one from lund and the 3rd one was from france but lived in lund. and it was all nice and fun but still..naaaaaah. not good enough for me. then that summer i didnt date and it took me about 7 months before is tarted dating again, this time a lovely man from Argentina (who also lived in Lund....). we dated for 2 or 3 weeks and this time i convinced myself that i felt safe with the guy. so i reasured him (a bit too much i have to admit) that he made me feel safe. but deep down i could feel that there was something missing. and i was right. cus he told me on our last date that he was thinking of getting back together with his ex...i kneeeew it. i just knew that something strange was up. but he was actually a really nice man. 42 years old, a lawer. very gentleman ish. very sweet and funny. treated me very good. we ended things on very good terms. no resentment or anger or anything. it ended peacefully. which im veeery happy about.

and since then ive been single. i havent minded really. its a choice u make. and ive choces to not date for a while and just focus on myself and my job etc.

but ive been thinking alot about what kinds of guys that ive dated. they have been French, Chinese, American, Italan, Asutralian, Argentinian, Spanish...economists, photographers, steward, lawyers, phds in...something...students...u name it...and now i..have no idea what i want. well...no thats not true, cus i do know what i want, but i dont know if its the ego or if its what i need. cus what u want and what u need is sometimes 2 different things..

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