This beautiful innocense,

this insecurity

that we take with us

everywhere we go.

It follows us around,

it makes us mad,

it makes us sad,

it makes us cry,

it makes us jealous.

it comes like waves,

it comes and goes,

beautiful just like waves.

Sometimes it´s ok,

sometimes it´s not.

We do everything

we can to shake this

feeling off 

but we can´t.

We obsess about it.

We dwell on it,

we analyse it for hours,

yet we get nowhere.

it ties us dwn,

like ankers on the boat.

we get stuck.

we don´t know how to get

that anker off of us.

we think that if only,

if only I was more confident,

if only I was more talkative,

if only....

we will be happy.

we push the happiness

away

like we push away

that little bug that gets

stuck on our leg.

becus we all are insecure

and we get insecure

about our insecurity.

we punish ourselves

for being insecure.

for beig insecure

in this situation

or in that situation.

and we think it´s

a bad thing, all of

these emotions.

we push them aside,

saying to ourselves,

naaaah, its not important

how I feel.

it´s bad.

We think that our

emotions , they don´t matter.

we push them aside,

saying" it´s ok, i´ll be fine.

But what we don´t get

is that it is just fine.

It is fine, 

its not a big deal 

after all.

All of these emotions,

all of these emotions.

Sono belle. Son bonitas.

elles sot trop belles en faite.

We just have to learn to

have the courage 

to just let go...

and continue being insecure.

and sontinue making

this world,

a much more beautiful place.

and love. just simple

beautiful love.

Amore/Hanni

i just looked at a fb status one one of my friends profiles who lives in n.y.c and it was quite comforting to see it and gave me hope and joy. it said: "The right guy is out there, wondering whe he´s going to meet someone like you - Greg Behrendt" (my friend´s name is not Greg but I think its prob an actor or something like that who posted that somewhere). anyway, i found that very inspiring since im a single gal after all. 

             I know girls who say (when I asked them about what their thoughts about boyfriends were before they met their present boyfriend) who said that " oh, ive never really wanted/needed a boyfriend, I never really thought about it that much". oh i admire them so much. Call me desperate, but ive always wanted a boyfriend. ok, i have had boyfriends, i have dated guys, ive had flirts, flings, u name it...but ive never been crazy and madly in love with any boy. not even when i had a boyfriend was i very madly in love with him. of course I liked the guy and I thought I was madly in love with the guy and I thougth everything was good but deep down i wondered why i wasnt so oh-my-god-im-so-in-love-i-cant-barely-breath in love. Even when i was with my last boyfriend I was kinda..njaaaaaa....he lives in Spain (he was Spanish) and he lives his life and i live here and thats good becus then he can live his life and i can live my life...thats not how its supposed to be. ur supposed to be madly and passionatly in love wth the person. ur supposed to be oh-my-god-i-cant-live-without-him kinda love. its supposed to bed mad-and-passionate-and-all-time-consuming kinda love. but ive never felt that kida love for anyone. i guess ive both wanted and not wanted a boyfriend since i have a very big need of being free and do what i want and when i want to do it.  so deep down ive always thought that boyfriends would be in the way..or maybe thats just a false belief that ive had in my brain.who knows. but ive never been one of those persons who have jumped from one relationship to the other. its been the other way around for me.  its my time and im quite picky who i let into my life, including boys, and i dont do (peppar peppar) relationships  "i onödan" so to speak... or as you would say it in italian " Io no lo faccio inutilmente" or in Spanish " no lo hago innecesariamente".  my motto is " going all in, its all or nothing". 

but im getting off subject now. even tho ive always been like that, cus thats just who i am, ive always wanted someone who i could share my life with. i mean, who doesnt right?. and wanted it at times sooooo badly that ive prob come off a bit desperate. I really admire those girls who never has had the need to have a boyfriend and who has always been very content with themselves and their life. but im not one of those girls. im not that cool. i cant help it. When i go out, i keep reminding myself that i will never find someone if i look for love. and its true. (unfortunately) when i have gone to bars or clubs not looking for a guy and ive been either really really happy wh myself or been really down, thats when the guy has showed up in my life. always. becus i wasnt looking for it.

i remember this super duper big crush i had on this french guy who went to the same school as me in Paris. it was during my erd and last year at my school and he was this super cute French black guy who kinda looked like Turk on "Scrubs". do you kow what he looks like? kinda cute, quite muscular, looked really kind and nice, not bad boy type at all. just funny and acted like a man should and kind and respectful. this guys was of course a bit younger (i think he was couple of years younger than me) but he was sooo cute and thanks to my friend who was in the year under me, we figured out that he was in the same year as she was, so i knew that both of us had classes in the afternoon. but that was about it. now i cant even remember his name, but i remember liking this guy so much (over nothing really, i mean, i didnt know anything about the guy and we had never talked or anything, but dince when does that stop a girl form having a crush on a boy really?). anyway. so all the times when i was really happy with my outfit for the day or had washed my hair or whatever do you think i ran into him? eeeeeeh nooooo. when do u think I ran into him? of course when I hadnt had the time to wash my hair and it was all greasy or i hadnt bother to put together a nice outfit or if i felt just ugly or had a bad day or something like that. thats when I used to run into him. of course. not when I felt super fresh and happy and content with myself. noooo. it had to be he i felt ugly or had greasy hair or if i had just thrown on whatever jeans that was laying on the floor that morning. isnt that just typical? 

or all of those times when ive gone to bars or clubs thinking, ok this time im not gonna look for someone. dont look for a guy Hanne, do not do it. do not for the love of God look Hanne. do u think any guy came up to me those nights? eeeeeh nooo. its always been, like i wrote before, when ive either been super happy or super down that ive met soemone. when i havent cared at all if i were to meet anyone or not. when i think about it, its always been when ive either felt like i was the most beautfiful girl at the party or hadnt cared at all and just gone out with jeans with holes on them and a t shirt and a scarf or something like that. thats when ive met a guy that seemed interesting. 

i can actually count the times on one or two hands that those things have happened. 

I just dont get it how some girls can be so cool and confident when it comes to boys and love. im always just akward. i never know what to talk about or when to talk or not to talk and sometimes im super selfconcious (is that how the word is spelled) in that very situation and i have no idea how to act.  I mean, how do u act when ur ona  "date" or in a situation when ur with a guy u dont know that well and u know u like the guy? 

Sometimes im very self-confident when im witha guy, but its nothing that I plan, it just happens in that moment that i dont care about what the guy thinks of me. but that is quite rare, ither when Im out dancing and i shake my ass to some really good music or if im with ppl that i love or really like and i feel safe and loved. but when im in a situation when i have no idea whatsoever what to talk about i get so self-concious. i mean, what DO u talk about that doesnt sound boring or typical like, so what do you do for a living? i mean, is there anything more boring or typical question? in Sweden that question is prob the most common question even around people u dont flirt wit or have any interest in. becus we Swedes, we re really not that good conversationists. we re not very good at having good conversations that "flyter på" so to speak. conversations that just have this "flow"... that barely happens in Sweden. but I still wonder, what do u talk about when u dont know each other without sounding boring and just normal? im usually just akward and dont find anything interesting to talk about except for the weather talk but i mean, c´mon, how boring and typical isn that? i wish i could be like those ppl who just find it so easy to talk about anything..but im not like those talaktive ppl...well sometimes i am but i have to feel very safe in that situation to able to just talk and talk u know. im usually just quiet and have no idea what to talk about and then im thinking, hmmmm...he must be thinking im boring or something who cant come up with anything intersting to talk about. so im just akward. unless i can talk about things that i love. like travelling, or cafés, or fashion or discovering new places or languages or meeting new ppl or sports or...well stuff like that. stuff that is easy to talk about. 

i mean what do ppl talk about when finding themselves in a situation where they are around a person that they like but dont know that well.??? any tips? any recommandations? i know heavy stuff is out of questions, or too personal stuff for that matter...but im not very good at talkig about "shallow" things. well ok, i am sometimes. it depends on what the subject is. and sometimes i think i should say something funny but then the joke just comes out flat. and no one laughs. at all. except for me that is. talk about akward. and then ppl just change the subject and start to talk about something else. ok.... and when i say stuff that is not ment to be funny, THEN ppl laugh. whats up with that? 

seriously i have no clue how to act around a guy that i like. im not used to guyfriends. i have guyfriend, but they either live in Paris, or Hong Kong or Sthlm or bcn...its not guys that i meet on a regular basis so to speak. and im raised with just sisters..so i have no idea how to act. cus the thing is, it works when the guy is into me and im NOT into the guy and I just see him as a friend but the second Ive realized that I actually like the guy that natural " vibe" flies out of the window and I loose all normal sense. and thats where my super cool girlfriends come into the picture. i mean, how do they do it? im being serious. how is it possible to be interested in a guy and still be natural about it...i dont know...i mean, im either the quiet kind or the talkative kind..it totally depends on the situation and what we talk about. but still...cus when i like a guy , i think about the guy alot. and about lots of other stuff that in the love concept.  i cant help it. ive tried to be like those super cool girls who dont think about their boyfriend that much and is supr cool and they just focus on themselves and their life. but i dont wnat to be like that. i want to be passionated about the guy. and i want him to be passionated about me. i mean, hats the point of being in a relationship if its not passionated and all-time consuming? of course u shuold live ur own life and not everything has  to be about the guy. ur own life matters too. but still. i want it to be passionated and filled with love and that the guys thinks alot about me. is that too much to ask? what the point to be in a relationship if its just, hello, how was ur day? i mean, common. is that worh fighting for? 

i dont know. but one thing i know, is that i want the love to be pasionated and filled with love. thats for sure.

its is like someone famous said, cant remember who exactly, but it was something like this, "love should be passionated, all-time-consuming-cant-live-without-each-other. it should be extraordinary and magic. so many things in life is ordinary, love should not be one of those things". amen.

WIish you alla beautiful saturday!

Amore/Hanni

the more and more that I listen to friends or people in my surroundings talking about their problems or bad things that have happened to them, minor or bigger things, about love or about guys or girls, or friends or really anything it makes me think about more and more about all these fears that are behind every person´s eyes. everyone is afraid of something or someone. not necessarily phusically afraid of someone but maybe fear of what people will think of them if they say this or that or if they act like this or that. and it hits me that there are soo many people in this world being afraid of not being good enough. ot good enough if they are not beautiful enough, or smart enough or if they dont have a career or if they have physical handicaps or if they deal with severe sickness or diseases or if they are all about attention but deep down really insecure about themselves...and one more thing ive noticed is that girls usually think, or rather they have got the wrong perception of what they guys want in a girl, that in order to be able to be in a relationship you have to be strong and confident in evevry kind of situation all the time and that its a sign of weaknes to show your vulnerabilities when its really the opposite. what ive noticed through experiences in life and with guys is that they dont care if you are insecure or if you have a disease or if you re lazy or if you re always nervous about stuff or if you dont always love yourself or if you have physical impairments...cus all they want is you. with all your flaws and imperfections. and its the same thing if we look at our friends for example, we dont care if our friends or sisters or brothers are not perfect. we dont care if they are sometimes lazy or angry or sad or if they re not good at sports or at maths or if they are insecure. we love them becus of all this. 

                      but unfortunately people, myself included, tend to think that we have to be perfect in every possible way in order to be good enough. that its not good to show ur emotions or if your not happy with something specific is something we have learnt that that its not a good thing. and we think that og, i have all these fears, i have so much insecurities that its impossible for me to be good enough. we think that we have to be confident all the time andthat we have to smart or good at this or that and that we have to have a perfect life and that evevrything i our life has to be perfect in orer for us to feel good enough or good enough for guys (at least for us girls, dont know what its like for guys about girls). or that we girls always have to be nice to guys in order for them to like us etc.

                   there are so many fears in this world it almost scares me. its not always easy to get passed by fears in general but if we can look beyond all of our fears we could discover that theres nothing TO fear. becus if theres fear, theres lack of love and if we look at ourselves with love instead of thinking, omg, im not good enough becus im feeling this negative feeling right now, then we will relax and just laugh at it insetad. becus if we feel love, we dont feel fear. cus this world needs more love or we will go under. with so many wars and starvation and depressions etc we, all of us, need more lve and the way to get love is something that we sometimes tent to forget and that is love for ourselves and through our own self love give love in one way or the other to other people. and be thankful for what you have and for what you are and you will recieve more love. 

              i could go on and on about this subject but i hope that at least i can change this world with the love that i can give through my actions and words. not to get more love but just to give love. (and sometimes to get love back;P). but in the most selfishless way of course;P.

wish you all a beautiful new week of more love=)

amore/hanni

the roses are ufortunately not for me=( they belong to a friend of mine but I thought they were so beautiful so i just had to take a picture of them. Flowers always make me happy. i remember when living in Paris and I used o go to a market every other week or so at Bastille where they had food and clothes and they also had these gipsys who sold flowers for like 2.5 euros so i always used to buy a buquet of roses becus, why not? the flowers made me smile everytime i looked at them.

This picture is from today when I went skinny dipping with a friend of mine whom i hadn´t seen since before xmas so i thought it was time for some updating. and it was such a bautiful day today. it was really hope and spring that was in the air=)

love.love

yday i had drinks with a quite new friend of mine who lives here in malmö. a very sweet girl. and very good drinks too. more love=)

right now im listening to a quite old song called "Crazy" by KC & Jojo. they made a song called "All my life" many years ago, maybe 15 years ago or so and i remember lovig that song so much, also becus of what it reminds of ( a trip to <san Diego) and its sooo beautiful. I love those older songs, that hip hop era that lasted during the 90´s was something that I remember loved listening to. it didnt necessarily have to be hip hop but those kinda bands was something i really loved. Babyface especially with his smooth voice, KC & Jojo and their song "All my life", P Diddy and his cover of the song "I´ll Be Missing You", Coolio and his song "I´ll see you when you get there"... they belong to such a nice music era. chilled, laid back, more about the music and the lyric instead of the cars and jewellery etc. more real somehow. more passionated.

The song "All My life" is filled with so much passion. so much love and compassion in the song that it makes my cry a bit. my heart fills with so much love that it almost explodes. 

couple of weeks ago, on a saturday, i decided to go to Copenhagen for the fashion week. I had been there two days previously with my sister and i got this ticket which made it possible for me to use the train to cph for free and also the entrance would be for free, which was really cool and i knew fashion week would last until saturday so i went there with full of self-confidence just to arrive at the Hall niticing that it was empty. no people there. the door were closed. i understood absolutely nada. niente. rien.i was positive that fashio week was on that day..i went back and forth, not knwing what to do, i even asked a girl who looked really cool i her outfit if she might knew what was going on but she had no idea. i maybe wet back and forth for about half an hour or so until i looked at my ticket when i saw that the fashion week in that building was finished the previously day...nice... or noooot. which ment i had gone there for nothing. and u know, i went there so confident, thinking i would go and take photos of evevrthing and soak up the cool atmosphere and all the cool people and stuff, and nada. niente. so much for being confident and "cool". sigh...

         but since i love walkng aorund by myself discovering new cafés and other places i decided i would walk around and just take photos of ppl and of the nature. cus Cph is a really cool city, so beautiful with all its French inspired arcitecture and their cool cafés and stores. so i walked around takig photos instead. i found this really beautiful channel with beautiful trees and buildings and ppl walking and jogging around the water. it vwas very beautiful and plus i hadnt seen that part of CPH before so that was cool. after a while i went to the center (this place was a bit outside the centre), but it was quite cold so i didnt stay outside for very long. so i went to book stores and cafés and shopping malls instead to get a bit of warmth. 

       i stayed there for maybe 5 hurs or so, it was really nice to see CPH even tho it would have been nicer with some company. its always nicer to share joy..sometimes it can get  abit lonely to go by urself but if that means staying inside and not discovering new places then i rather go by myself so i can see and discover new places so in the end i usually neve regret doing it.

quite beautiful huh?

theres something majestic about big bridges...they re so big and pompuos. me like that alot.

and theres also something soothing about water and ice...i just love it.

cph is the city of bikes..so there are alooot of bikes everywhere...

found this balloon rather cute....

next time i hope i get to discover cph with someone next to me. but until then, i wish you all a beautiful evening.

and i hope u enjoyed my photos=)

amore/Hanni

a while ago i had thoguht alot about that i really wanted to take pictures of the beautiful snow and i put it off and put it off until the perfect day came and i decided to do wíth while walking our dogs. it was a beautiful day, very calm and just nice. and the thing about taking pictures of animals is that u never know what the pictures are gonna look like since dogs are just like children, they move their bodies so much that every second is worth taking pictures of them. so i took like a thousand pictures of the dogs and ur gonna see about half of these pics hehe.

i hope ur gonna enjoy the photos=)

these photos are taken at a field (Limhamnsfältet) that is like a minute walking distance from our place which happens to be my our dogs favorite place to go to (and who can blame them...). and everytime i go to the water i feel so calm inside of me and the dogs are so happy when they are there so i go there practically evryday. so good for my well-being. theres something so soothing about the nature and the water...

i just love it there.

wish you all a nice evening )or good morning, depending on when u read this post=))

amore/hanni

i had my first class in tenni today and oh my god was it fun or what? had no idea it could be so much fun. i used to play tennis but that was ages ago. i used to pla tennis whn i was around 10 i think, with a friend of mine. but we didnt take it so seriously. i conveniently "forgot" my tennis shoes at home so i wouldnt have to play.whooopsi...i just sat on the side watching my friend playing tennis with our teacher. what an ungrateful child i was...whoopsi. and the next time i played tennis was when i was 21 1/2.the spring when i was was living at home. i took some classes in tennis for about a month or so, but it didnt really go to my heart. 

im practically raised with a tennis mind set (kind of at least) with a dad who´s a tennis freak and an older sister who also is a tennis freak (used to compete on a high level in tennis) and both my parents have always loved watching tennis games as long as i can remember...but ive never really enoyed it..i never got what the big fuss was about..until today. well acually it started couple of weeks ago during a week end at our summer place when me and my parents were watching Australian Open on tv. it was the final between the great players Rafael Nadal and Stanislas Wawrinka and i was hooked. the game lasted for maybe 2 hours or so, maybe a bit more and i was hooked in front of the tv watching evevry move they made. my head went from left to right, from right to left. shaking it form one way to the other. i asked my dad so many questions about about the different rules and how Nadal was so evil and unkind in his way of playing. poor Wawrinka. he almost lost it becus of the way that Nadal played. But thank god he won, Wawrinka. he def deserved it! it would have been so unfair ifNadal had won since he didnt play fair.

               anyway, im getting of the subject here. the thing is ive never been this hooked on a sport. never. ask anyone who has known me for a long time. so when i played today i was surprised how much fun it could be to play.and my teacher, a man in his mid 30ies i would say, was sooo kind and such a great teacher. he described how i should do it and evevrytime i hit the ball he said, good, well done. yes! and so on. he was really kind and soo good at explaining things. u told me he started his tennis "career" by chance, he only did it to put him self through school. origianally his plan was to teach geography and history to high school students. but then his love for tennis grew bigger and bigger and he ended up loving it so much that he started taking more and more classes in tennis and then eventually started teaching in tennis and now he has done that for a couple of years...

            and when he told me his plan was to teach in high school,  i wasnt very surprised becus his way of explaining things was so calm and methodically. some people are just made for teaching. they just know how to do it the right way. they are just so patient with their students...its incredible really.

             so from now on im taking classes in tennis once a week. i couldnt imagine a greater way to start the week.

physical activities give so much enenrgy and joy and happiness. and especially if u do it with someone else.

wish you all a wonderful monday afternoon!

amor/Hanni