yday and a couple of days ago i brought my camera with me when i was walking dogs becus its been such nice weather lately. its has been such a bog change in the weather these days, it almost feels like spring- well at least a Swedish spring haha. to bcn it would still be considered as winter;P but for us its not freezing cold anymore, well at least not (peppar peppar) here in Skåne, it think its still cold in the rest of Sweden. (thats one of many good things about living in the south of Sweden...usually warmer climate;P). 

it was just so nice to be able to wear a lighter jacket and thinner shoes for a change..i feel like myself again. well almost at least...

when i take picture i try to challenge myself so i always try to find different angles or find different kinds of details that i can take pictures of. csometimes it works, sometimes it doesnt....=( sometimes its enought for me to take just 10 pictures and they will all be good and sometimes i need to take a hundret photod before getting THE photo. sometimes i get sad when it takes time for me to take a really good photo but sometimes i dont mind...i can still rememeber something that one of My Spanish teachers in photography said. or showed actually. i had 2 teachers in the same class and they showed us a documentary of photos that they had taken a year before that. and many of the photos weretn that good i have to say, but my teacher said that even a professional teacher can sometimes take 200 pictures before he takes THE photo....that was quite comforting i gotta say. so just becus i sometimes have to take many many many photos before i take one really good photo id doesnt necessarily mean that im a bad photographer... sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesnt. but just as any other profession, all u need to do in order get better is to practice, practice, practice....

so here are some of my photos=) it was difficult to choose few photos so there may be..alooot of photos. just for the record=)

wish you all a beautiful saturday night.

amor/hanni

some days when i wake up i think its gonna be a good day and the day may start well but then sometimes i get so disapointed, mostly at myself for not being happy 24/7. like yday, i had a nice morning, i got up quite early, i went for a run along the field by the water close to our place, which is always something i enjoy, becus, hey, its just next to the water and who doesnt enjoy being next to the water?, and i went back home, did some stretching, took a shower, had breakfast and took the car to helsingborg where i was gonna get my massage, a massage that i had won around xmas last year (first time for me to get hot stones massage). and the girl who does the massage (all my family well except my dad of course, goes to the same girl for doing our nails and massage and stuff, shes awesome) is really something. ahes great and she has so much humour and ever since i started going to her her salon we ve started to talk quite alot and we laugh together and i tell her about my life and she tell me about her life and get a good laugh and i stayed there for a good while getting my nails done (shes really the best at these things) and the massage which was also really nice (altho unfortunately she had to finish it a bit earlier becus she totally forgot about this costumer that came just when i had my massage) so we had to wrap it up a bit earlier but since i know how easy it is to forget things and things slipping ur mind (im the same there) i couldnt get mad at her. its like getting mad at a puppy..its physically impossible...

but we set up another day for the complete massage so its ok..anyway, so i went to a café close by and had planned to sit there with my computer and my american novel heavy book and i thought i would be really satisfied and happy and content all of that positive feelings when i just felt..sadness and emptyness. i thought that since i would have company for a great deal of the day i would be happy afterwards, like that company would have filled the cup so it would be enough for the day u know. but instead this sadness and emptyness came over me when i saw all these people sitting with each other talking and laughing. and suddenly i felt so lonely. and i started comparing myself to these people with all those questions, why dont i have someone sitting next to me? how come i almost always go to cafés by myself? do they see me as a looser for sitting by myself? etc etc...and i felt so small compared to all these people. i felt like i was 5 years old again, like a little girl who wasnt allowed to play with my big sister and her friends. of coure we have been taught not to compare ourselves to other people, but its def easier said than done. i think its impossible to always be satisfied with who you are, especially as a woman, it might be easier for men, and i find it very hard not to compare myself with other people. well especially in Sweden where its very important to be successful and happy and self-confident and all that. 

and i cant stay at a café if i dont feel good in that moment, if theres something strange in the athmosphere, and i cant get anything done if im not happy in that moment, its like impossible for me to focus, so i left and went home, and was met by our dogs who were left in the garden and saw me pulling up the car and Donna, our golden retriever, when shes been alone for a while, well she has our other dog bella to accompany her but u know...thats nt good enough for her, she talks , alooot. well talking in her own way of course and its really adorable. shes seriously the cutest dog in the world. its like impossible to get mad or even annoyed at her for the smallest thing, even when she sits next to us while we re eating and she sits nexts to us and begs for food, its impossible to annoyed at her becus shes so darn cute, so she was so sooo happy to see me so i decided to take them out for a walk and she, who usually  walks really slowly, ran fast as h*ll and she ran almost all the way through our walk. i went with them to the water and it was just so nice to be next to the water with my dogs. if its anything that can make me relax and happy, except for taking photos, its walking our dogs. it gives me time to breath and cool my thoughts. and instead of rejecting the thought of the emptyness inside of me I just felt it and eventually i could release it. 

the woman whom i called a couple of years ago who told me about my connection to russia, she said that I have a big emptyness in my body and that its important for me to stay active with sports and stuff and to listen to music wo i wont feel so lonely which i do and it does help me alot, but one thing ive been taught is that i shouldnt let myself drown in my emotions ( its very normal for highly sensitive people to focus too much on the sadness and emptyness or whatever they are feeling that they "drown" in their feelings which can make them feeling even more down) and since ive been there quite many times i let myself feel the feelings and then just accept whatever came over me ( i would normally reject the negative feeling and feeling even worse about feeling these negative emotions) and i thoguth to myself, its ok to feel this emptyness. i mea, who doesnt feel empty or lonely sometimes? its a natural thing to feel. unfortunately we have been taught that we should be happy all the time and also 24/7 and be content all the time but that is impossible. i may be a highly sensitive person to disapointment and sadness but without these downs its imposible to appreciate the ups, the good times. well at least to me that is.

and the thing with accepting whatever" "negative" emotion that is coming over you, is that by accepting it, it can finally get released and u think, hmmmm....that wasnt as bad as i thought it would be...im kinda ok with feeling empty or sad or disapointed or whatevevr im feeling. and then u feel kinda awesome for accepting that feeling (in stead of paniicking over having that emotion and making the emotion even bigger and feeling worse and worse about it) and then u feel even more awesome for getting through this. 

its not always easy to accept "negative" emotions, especially not in sweden where we have been taught that sadness, emptyness, disapointment, frustration etc are "bad" and "negative" emotions and u shouldnt feel them. but we re all human. and the greater we feel about this emptyness, or sadness or disapointment or frustration or even anger etc, the stronger we get and the next time we get this emotion washing over us we dont get the same frustration anymore and we can accept it and then release it and then move on the next moment. sometimes easier said than done. but its kinda awesome to accept it. im just sayin.

wish you all a happy friday. and also, TGIF!!!!! big time!

amor/hanni

I found this on pinterest, isn it awesome?  

cappuccino, that cand chocolate and thn im good to go!

found this outside a hotel in Stockholm. quite sweet right?

and these ones i found in a store in Sthlm. really cool things. and good reminders too.

and my personal favorite. if its possible to fall in love oth a painting then i fell head over heal for this painting. its screamed my name. but it would be too heave fr me to bring it on the train with my luggage and all...but h its sooo beautiful and funky and cool and...oh i love this painting. its so Hanne...it was of course better in reality.

right now im reading a big and heavy book called The Oxford Book Of American Short Stories (edited by Joyce Carol Oates) becus i have some analysis of the short stories i have to do (or should do at least) to be able to finish that english course i took one year ago. so anyway, am i the only one getting restless and bored after just a minute or so of reading books or novels that you´re not really into? i love the writing part, obviously, ive always loved writing about stuff that concerns me in one way or the other or makes my heart beat, but the reading part. i get ro restless and bored that i find it really hard to concentrate. thank god for music (spotify) that can still entertain me...

when ive read them and i do the analysis i really enjoy it becus it feels like im learning something about myself while analysing the short novel which is something i love doing. but its just the reading part that...does not really get me going so to speak.

and its the same thing with books, if i get restless just by reading the first page the i know i wont be able to enjoy the rest of the book. i get bored very easily, thats the thing. whether its music or programs on the radio television or books, or people (if its not my friends of course). so im doing my best to entertain myself while reading through this heavy book. ok its my own choice and i do enjoy doing, well at least parts of it...its just the reading part..

jeje...anyway, i just looked outside the window and its BEAutIFUL Weather outside=) clear bly sky, not a cloud in sight. god ive longed for this weather. i think im gonna soon head ut and go for a looong walk along the beach or something with our dogs who seem to want to go to the same place everyday..

this picture is my instagram picture from this morning when i was out on my daily morning walk and the weahter was so nice so i just had to take a picture of th trees and the sky (as usual). i dont mind the clouds..hey actally just make the picture even mor einteresting, dont u think? pretty huh? 

btw, is it totally wrong to listen to xmas songs in february? i started listening to Harry Connick, Jr becus Spotify suggested him instead of Michael Bublé and since I love that kind of music I pressed on Harry Connick, Jr´s music and xmas music came out...but it cheers me up, and its really good xmas music so...what the heck, why not?

wish you all a beautiful monday=)

amor/hanni

this week has been quite emotional, up and down, good and bad, lonely and fun, nice and relaxing...a bit of everything. i spent the week in sthlm babysitting my nieces and came back friday evening. btw the nicest train ride ive ever been on! first class. do i need to say anything more? my lovely brother-in-law who paid for my train ride thought i deserved first class, so whom am I to say no to that? calm and relaxing, very few people in that carrage, no kids screaming and talking non-stop, no up and down, just very quiet. exactly what I needed. just calm and quiet so i could just sit there listening to music and watching series (he got me free internet and dinner) and i read some litterature (not my choice but something i should do to pass my english course i did a year ago) and had some dinner. 

                yday i went for a walk at the lmhamnsfältet ( a field 1 minute walking distance from our place in malmoe) and it was soo nice to see the water and turning torso. and smell the sea. oh god its so nice to be back in Skåne! no offense to Sthlm but its nothing compared to Skåne. so much space here and clean and fresh air (i think they got fresh air but not like the one we have by the water here) and nice people and its chill and relaxed here. evevryone stresses so much in sthlm, always on the way somewhere. dont get me wrong, I love sthlm, its a beautiful city with beautiful arcitecture and ammazing and cool restaurants and cafees and all the islands etc, but malmö has really nice people and we do evereything in our own pace. we chill so to speak. we might talk a bit funny but thats our charm.

              so anyway, i went for lunch with a friend in Hbg yday and then met up with another friend (very spontanous) and then went home for dinner with my parents at our summer house. and today i had plannd this really relaxing day, a me-day. but it didnt really go that way but in the end it turned out good. but i thought it would be this really relaxing and peaceful day with jogging and yoga and sauna and i did the jogging thing and the sauna thing but i couldnt really completely relax and i was too restless for yoga. and i was sad even after jogging for 45 min. but i did talk to a friend of mine who lives in bcn who is a really cool girl and when she found out i was a bit sad (not crying sad but still abit sad) she cheered me up so i felt a bit better after talking to her for a good hour. (fb chat). and so when i was in the sauna and had been there for only abt 20 minutes or so i decided that i wouldnt enjoy being there for a longer time (i thought i would lay there for an hour or so like i did 2 weeks ago) so i got up, took a shower, washed my hair and put on some nice clothes. first i wanted to wear 1 pink pair of pants but when i had put them on i saw that there were stains on them=( and i had decided to wear this yellow blouse thingie but since i couldnt wear my pink pants i had to re-think my whole outfit so i decided to wear a really cute blue skirt instead and this really comfy shirt that i bought only a couple of weeks ago that i love soo much becus its so comfortable. 

           so anyway i decided to have some lunch while watching an episode of The Nanny ( one of my favorite sitcoms becus its like impossible to not to be cheered up when u watch that show). and it did cheer me up. but i was still restless but then a friend of mine (same one as my friend i saw yday) asked me if i wanted to go for a walk and have a coffee in hbg with her so i of course said yes to that and then my dogs wanted to go out (my parents were outside on the beach discussing something and we have glass doors so our dogs can see the ppl on the street/beach) and they yelled quite alot so since it was quite nice weather outside i decided to take them out and took my camera with me. and guess if that was a good decision or what?

         it was so nice to be back outside again and get fresh air. so i took pictures of the sea and of our dogs who are just so cute i could almost eat them up. not entirely but almost. and it felt so great to take pictures again. omg. so nice! if its anytime that i feel alive its when I take pictures. i was just outside for a short while, maybe 15 minutes or so but it was enough for my smile to come back on my lips again. and i could feel that i could breath again. and the great thing was that when i went back in our garden with our dogs i found a "new" way to take awesome pictures. and i love when that happens. becus great pictures is not something u can just take at any moment. it has to happen spontanously. it cant be forced. at least not to me. for me? anyway, it made me smile again and i suddenly felt confident again and happy. i love that feeling when i realised ive taken great photos and that ive developed my photo skills. i love that! its not always easy but once i get there its pretty amazing.

       shortly after that i went to hbg and met my friend and we went for a walk by the water. it was cold but nice. and i could take some photos there aswell which was nice. i didnt take that many of them but i took some photos at least that im quite satisfied with.

so here they are=)

these ones are actually taken through a window...

i love the reflections on what going on behind me when i take pictures thorugh windows becus the outcome is always different depending on what kid f light it is or where you take the photo etc. the effect can be pretty cool

dont u just love trees on pictures or is it just me? they are so grand and beautiful with all its´ branches.

and the sunshine...ok i know everyone loves sunshine, i mean who doesnt love sunshine but it can just look so amazing on photos..it can rbight up a photo. u dont have to have that much in a picture as long as u have sunshine.

and sunhine puts evevryone in a good mood. it lifts ur spirit up.

depending on how u take the picture it can change in a second and the affect can go from nice to cool.

i know ive said it before but i cant help myself taking pictures of trees and the sky. especially when its sunny outside. omg. and with the wind going back and forth. sooo beautiful!

this is on Gröningen in Helsingborg. its a big boardwalk along the sea. big big houses and big trees and with Denmark on he other side the view is pretty cool. 

i wanted to take a photo of the bright sunlight who went through the clouds and hit the water but my camera didnt make any justice to the reality so im afraid that the picture wasnt as awesome as i wanted it to be but its still amazing with the sunshine and the water whehther the picture turns out good or not.

and i couldnt resist taking one last photo of the sky..i had to hurry becus my friend was really really cold and prob a bit annoyed at me for stopping so many times=) so i had to stop taking pictures and go with her to a cafe (it was really cold becus of the wind so i cant really blame her for hurrying ahead of me towards the café).

but at least i got one nice picture of the sky=)

wish you all a nice and calm sunday evening=).

and yes im feeling a lot better now=)

amore/Hanni

hello from a cloudy and cold but beautiful stockhom. been here for a cople of days now to help my family with some stuff. havent seen so much of stockholm so far but ive seen so much of stockholm the other times ive been here so its ok. now its just really nice to be here with my sister and her husband and their two kids. 

yday i had some time to myself which was really nice for a change=) so i went for a looong walk around Djurgården (one of the bigger islands here) and then had breakfast at a cafe closeby and then i continued with my big walk. its really cold here, not freezing ur a*s off cold but still pretty cold. i think its colder here than in Malmoe. its ice on the water here and some snow too. i took a walk early this morning and it was so calm and beautiful here. stockholm is a very beautiful city i must say. the buildings are so majestic and powerful in some way. and they have so many cool cafés and really cool restaurants in every corner. im a bit jelous of that, we dont have that in malmoe=( allthou we do have some cozy cafés in Malmoe and the atmosphere is a lot nicer and more genuin in malmoe.) its almost like im afraid to talk to ppl here becus im afraid (peppar peppar) that they will look funny at me (im in the capital city after all) but so far so good. everyones that ive asked for directions etc have been really nice to me so thats def a positive surprise. 

yday i walked to a small shoppingmall called Mood and it was really cool the way they had furnitured the mall and the way they had built in inside. it def doesnt look like a typical Swedish shoppingmall. it was really cool with the high ceiling and the open space in the middle that was shaped like a circle. even the tables stood according to the circle which was kinda cool i think. and the stores were a bit different too. i hope i will get the possibility to go back there before going back home.

today im taking care of one of my nieces who is a bit sick and since we had to stay at home theres not so much we can do (or that I can do, she can do alot of diff things such as watching the tv and the ipad and coloring in her color boo etc) i thoguht of the "brilliant" idea that i could take pictures of the view and of my niece.

i took some pictures of the center yday that i will show here too.

i havent taken as many photos as i thougth i would take but hopefully i will get more chances to take photos before i go  home- *im crossing my fingers*. 

wish you all a beautiful wensday=)

amore/Hanni

i just read a blog (Anine Bing, a Danish super model living in L.A) and she wrote about being thankful and i actually thought about that when i was out for a run this morning. Im so grateful for so much in my life and this post i wanna dedicate to all my amazing friends and people ive met through my years both abroad and here in Sweden. Im even thankful for all the friends i used to have in my life that I no longer keep in touch with (a bit sad about that but still thankful) for they brought so much joy in my life at that period of my life and they also made me go the journey that ive had so far. ive always been a big believer of everything happening for a reason and also if it didnt happen that was also for a reason. lets say if I would have been ready for a serious relationship whn I lived in Florence in 2005-2006 i might would have stayed there and i wouldnt have moved back home and i wouldnt have met my beautiful friend Anna (from Linköping) whom I studied French with and had so much fun with. we dont always keep in touch on a regular basis but I know where I have her and I can always count on her to be there for me. She vistited me many times in paris and many skype sessions in Barcelona and i visited her quite many times in Stockholm. 

or the friends that I made in Paris some of them I still keep in touch with and some I dont but they turned me to who I am today. All the good and bad experiences I had in paris has made me the person I am today. and maybe i would have stayed in Paris  ut then i wouldnt have met all those amazing people that I met in Barcelona that turned my life around. that gave me so much joy and happiness. 

             I can still remember all the nervous feelings i had in my stomach when i moved to Bcn. that very first w-end before I was gonna start studying Spanish. I had made some research before about where to go for a coffee and such before going there that I written down on my phone and I remember my very first day in Bcn. I arrived in the afternoon and I only knew a few words in Spanish but i was still able to comunicate with my taxi driver. and i arrived at the house where i was gonna stay for a month. it was a French couple (ironically...). they were really nice. I spoke English to the man and i spoke French to the woman for some reason. there was another girl living staying there too , She was German and seven years younger than and she had arrived one week before me. but she was out when i arrived so i was alone in my room. and i remember skyping with my closest friends in paris and they calmed me down saying that i would be just fine and that it just scary becus it was my first day in bcn. and then i skyped wth my "Spanish" friend who lived at that time with hr mum in Tarifa, south of Spain. and she also calmed me down and said that everything would be fine. so after a couple of hours of skyping i felt alot better and walked out for my first sightseeing in bcn. it felt so odd being in a nother country where they spoke a language i wasnt used to. and i remember walking on las ramblas looking at all that fascnating arcitecture. the buildings were so beautiful i remember. so i walked and walked and walked for hours it seems. and i remember being on the phone wit my mum saying to her " mum, this is the last time i move to another country all by myself. i wont do it antother time. its just too much for me" but then she said " of course u will, hanne, becus thats who you are. you will eventually move to another country and you will be fine. becus you love the excitement that it brings. and you´re just nervous now. but you will be fine. so just enjoy your time in bcn and have fun!" i still wasnt convinced even tho i knew deep down that she was right. 

                 the moment when i knew that i would have an amazing time in bcn was when i was on my way home from the metro that same day and i was confused becus i didnt recognize the street. i asked a couple f ppl for directions but i got just more confused until i met this sweet older woman who didnt speak a word of Eng and the only words i knew how to say in Spa was "Hola" "por favor", "buscar" (to look for) and "café con leche! (coffee with milk). so i just pointed at my map on the street that i was looking for and she dindt know how to get there by foot. but she asked these two older men if they could help me instead since she didnt know that neighbourhood and they were so sweet and explained to me how to get home. i was still a bit onfused but eventually i found my home and i was soo happy and relieved to be home and i just knew evevrything would be fine.

            i also remember another amamzing meeting. it was also during my first day i think and i was drinking a cafe con leche at one of the shoppingmalls in the centre when this older spanish man (in his 70s i think) started talking to me. and he was talking to me in <eng becus i think he undersood that i was not Spanish. and the look on his face when i told hime that i was Swedish...omg, he was ooooo happy. so he started telling me about his very good friends who were Swedish and how many times he and his wife had visited these good friends of them in sweden. he could go on and on for hours i think if i wouldnt have eventually said that i had to go...but he was sooo sweet and kind and that just shows the kindness ans sweetness that Spanish ppl have towards foreigners<3.

            and i remember being so nervous i could almost pee my pants when i had my first Spanish class. i could barely uderstand a word of what my teacher was saying. and i felt like crying becus it felt like i had taken way too much water above my head. and i remember in our break walking outside talking to this Dutch girl who also was in my class and i said, "i just moved here and i dont have any friends here, i dont know anyone here and i just moved here from Paris so i need friends". and shortly after that we became friends. M was one of my first friends in Bcn and shes still a good friend of mine. and the Spanish classes turned out just fine, eventually i understood more and more thank god. it was just that first day that i was soo nervous.

            I have many good memories of Bcn, especially that first sememster when everything was new and exciting. so many new and really cute and sweet friends. so many incredibly sweet classmates (both in my spanish class and in my photography class). my classmates in my photography class were so sweet. i was the only non-spanish speaking person in that class, they were all either from Spain or from South/centralamerica. but almost all of them spoke really good English so they helped me with everything. and my teachers were so sweet too, i could do my presentations in Eng and sometimes my classmates would help me by translating for me to my teachers if they didnt understand what i was saying. 

             many years ago i talked to this woman who can see ur future and who you have been and who you are (i didnt give her any kind of info abut me, nothing, only a picture of me and a photo of me, not even where i lived) and she told me i had this strong connection to Russia becus i had in my previous life had had a business or something like that in Russia. but i dindt understand what she was talking abut becus i hadnt had any kind of emotional attachment to Russia whatsoever or any dream of going there (maybe except for Moscow that seems very fascinating and cool) so i didnt believe her. (this was in June, 2010). then in Oct/Nov in 2011 when i had taken Spanish for about 2 months in Bcn (after being home for summer) and this Russian girl, L, started in my class. and i remember being so happy about that becus it had only been Swedish girls in my class so far (there were many swe ppl going to my language school). so i was quite sick of having only Swedes around me. and she would join us for coffee evevry break we had (u always have 30 minutes break between 11.30-12.00 or if u have classes in the afternoon, u have the break between 16.30-17.00 and there are 2 cafes just couple of meters away so all the students and teachers go there fo coffee). but we dindt really hang out except in school. but then the next year when we had changed to morning classes we would soemtimes go for lunch but nothing more. but since we didnt really connect with any of the classmates that we had (sometimes yes and sometimes no) it would only be the 2 of us having coffee together during that break. so we got to know each ocher pretty well during all those thousand of coffee breaks=) and then when it was spring and hot weather and summer another girl started in our class, a girl from BudaPest that we started hanging out with. then i moved back home in June 2012. and i didnt know if me and this russian girl would keep in touch but we did. occasioanally through fb and instagram. and then when i finally got an Iphone we started talking more on whatsapp- which was alot of fun. and then she and her fiance invited me to their wedding in bcn last summer. and now i consider L & L to be friends that i hopefully will be friends with for the rest of my life (peppar peppar).

                 so clearly that woman knew what she was talking about...who would have known that i would be good friends with a russian girl from Moscow and her Scottish husband? not me thats for sure..

                I had alot of good times and good memories of Bcn. some bad too. i wasnt sooo happy in myself my last year in Bcn but i dont regret anything. so even tho i had an amazing time in Bcn, i dont regret moving home. so this with everything happening for a reason is something im a strong believer of. becus if i wouldnt have moved home, i would never had started studying eng and i would never have met these 2 really sweet girls that im still friends with. (L from Bjärred and M from Stockholm) . and i wouldnt have had the opportunity to hang out so much with my sister and my family and my dogs. and my very good friend S who i got to know in Bcn whose parents have a house her in malmö but who lives in dubai. and all of my other friends in malmö who i got to hang out with alooot and just live a life that i had longed for so much. and if i wouldnt have moved back home i wouldnt have started styding Italian last year and i wouldnt have met this really sweet girl M who started studying it becus she thought it would be great way to meet more people (she moved here from värmland about 2 1/2 years ago).

                    and all of these people, all of the things ive been able to do in my life and especially since i moved home and all the good and bad experienced ive had in life have turned me to the person that i am today. it hasnt always been easy but it def has made me stronger. so even tho ive doubted my own self worth alot of times and ive been insecure in alot of situations (alot less now tho) i still dont regret anything that has happened in my life, both good and bad. becus without them i wouldnt be that person I am today. and i prob wouldnt be spekaing 3 different languages and had experiences from France, Italy and Spain and i wouldnt have met all of these amazing people that ive met through my years abroad.

                   Malmö may not be the most exciting place in the world but right now i wouldn wanna live anywhere else. so thank you, thank you, thank you all of the people ive had the chance to meet during my time living abroad, whether we re still friends or not. and thank you thank you thank you my wonderful family and close friends who always have supported me and been there for me through good times and through bad times. 

looking forward to a very exciting and fun 2014!=)

wish you all a beautiful day!

mucho amor/hanni

couple of days ago I read an article (a Swedish one) about a guy in Helsingborg who felt inspired to share his love for his very recent girlfriend of 5 months only by making a huuuge heart in the snow in a park close to the beach in Helsingborg. he carved out the heart with only his right foot and his hands, it took him 6 hours to do this, from 1am to 6 in the morning. During  avery calm walk by the beach at night he only had his mind on his girlfriend and realised he missed his girlfriend so much (even tho she had only been away for a week and was coming home that same evening) so he felt inspired to make this heart in the snow. isnt that just too cute to be true? i melt when i hear about these kinds of love declarations. 

I really feel that 2014 is a year for happiness and love. for so many people. and trust me, when my gut is telling me stuff its always right.

When I think about all guys that ive met through the years i have mixed emotions. but mostly happy emotions. when it comes to dating there are so many rules here and there and the latest guy that i met (only one date tho but its ok) made me think of my behaviour when ive dated guys or have had relationshsips. 

i think ive done almost all the mistakes a girl can make when starting to date a guy she doesnt know. now i can laugh about it but ive cried alot and been wondering so why the right guy hasnt arrived yet.

when i was younger (with younger i mean at the age of 16 when i had my first boyfriend and since then) i was too young to even reflect of my own actions and thoughts and they affected me (thank god for that or i would have been so depressed at a way too young age). it started at the age of 16 and i was a freshman at high school. there was this guy in my class that actually had met once before but i didnt know who he was. (we had accedently met a concert that same summer.) i felt instinctly that there was something special about him but i couldnt put a finger on what it was until after a couple of weeks in school when i realised i had feelings for him. and i of course made mistake numero uno. i approached him instead of waiting for him to approach me. ok we were 16 years old so i dont know if it would have mattered in the end since we were so young but still....we were at the field close to my parents place to do some sports with our class and i out of the blue hugged him. he was of course very surprised but i could feel his content of me hugging him. during the next 3 coming months i put way to much focus on him. of course we were very eager to get to know each other in the beginning but i might have been a biiit too eager (I realise now). or mayeb not too eager but i think it was too much for a 16 year old boy. we talked on the phone every evening before going to bed (even tho we were infact classmates) and if he didnt called to say good night i got quite annoyed with him i remember. but i didnt know why i was so annoyed with him and it just sounded stupid when i tried to explain to him why i wanted him to call me to say good nightw which of course led to him calling me less. and in school i wanted his attention constantly. i got very jelous when i saw him talking to the other girls in our class (we were 16 girls in my class and only 4 guys...) and i think he got annoyed with me for always wanting to be with him (which i can understand now) and i think i put way too much emphasis on him instead of focusing on me and my life becus it led to him only wsnting to be with me during the week and not during the week ends. i broke up with him 3 months later and suffered from a broken heart for many months. but then eventually i felt better and better until i was free of needing him (this was now in the beginning of 2nd year of high school) and he realised he wanted me back. i wasnt very impressed cus i thought he hadnt changed. but he convinced me that he had changed so after a couple of weeks we got back together. this time i was stronger in myself and i didnt need him in my life, he was more of a plus in my life which was why it worked out so much better this time. our relationship ended 3 years later (i broke up with him) but this time it wasnt becus of something he had done but i realised i wasnt in love with him anymore. 

it took me a while for me to start dating again. altho i, thank god, moved to Florence, Italy to study Italian and fashion design so i wasnt that concerned with being single. it was axctually really nice to be single again. i didnt date anyone that year tho (i wasnt that impressed by the Italian guys, found them good-looking but sleezy).  

next guy i started dating was a guy from Malmoe. it wasnt serious dating since i lived in Italy so it was only during the summer vacation and xmas.  we werent really a couple so i didnt take it too personal when it panned out. altho i think i was the guy in this situation and he was the girl...poor guy. he didnt stand a chance...i of course got bored quite fast when i realised it was all up to me (he had said it over the phone) and not him where we were headed. but i had already someone else in my mind that time (or maybe that was the year later, cant rememeber). but the mistakes started when i was 23 i think and i started seeing this guy from Växjö. he was 4 years older than me. i knew he wasnt my type but i refused to listen to my inner voice of course. 

                 i dated this guy for maybe a month or so and i was focusing all my energy on thinking about him, fantasising about him. he was all i had on my mind. when i was at work, i thought about him, when i was with that oher guy from malmö i thought i about this guy...i was on the hook. i thought he was sooo sweet and considerate but that was not becus of me, that was f course just becus he was after one thing. i of course didnt realise that back then. I was 23 years old and naiv. happy but naiv. i always came when he suggested we should meet. i always said yes. he had a job in Cph with odd hours (or maybe that was just an excuse, dont know..). i obsessed about him whe talking about him with my friends. i could talk about him for hours. but it was just my naivitet that was talking. deep down i knew that i wasnt realy that attracted to him. thats the thing. during the time that ive dated all these guys, ive never really reflected of what MY feelings for the guy were. i just obsessed about the guy and how he was and how he looked etc. i didnt get my heart broken becus i never got any feelings for the guy. and then i went back to Paris and for once he got obsessed with me and called me i think 12 times during one night. i couldnt answer the phone cus my mum, who had joined me to help me move in in my new appartment i Paris, was on the other side of the bed which of course led to him calling me even more. but after 12 times of calling in the middle of the night he prob realised it was no point in calling me so the ringing stopped and that was the end of our summer fling. it didnt bother me that much that we stopped calling each other since i didnt have any feelings for the guy but there was one thing that was a bi of a shame and that was that i had accedently left a pair of sweatpants at his place. a pair of sweatpants that i had borrowed from a good friend of mine....whooopsi. never saw that pair of sweatpants again..=(

                 that year in Paris i dated alot. many different guys. and it was always the same story. the guy was into me and i wasnt into him. so in the beginning i just focused on myself (i was soo happy to have my very own place) and my life which of course made the guy wanting me even more until i started fooling myself into thinking that this guy might be the one. or a guy that i really like. which led to me tarting to obsess about he guy one again which led to him pulling away from me and it always ended in the same way, that he stopped calling me and i stopped calling him. but in the end i always asked myself: " were you really into the guy or was it just a physical thing?". and my answer was always the same "physical thing" and then that was it. sometimes i cried over they guy and sometimes i didnt. but the pattern was always the same. and i didnt get why he suddenly pulled away. i do now but back then i didnt have a clue about guys and what was important to me. but back then i didnt beat myself up for the guy stopping  to call me etc. it didnt even occur to me that i had something to do with it. i wasnt even angry at the guy. i was just happy. but deep down i knew that i didnt want a relationship cus i wanted to be free like the wind. i didnt know if i wanted to stay in Paris and i knew i wanted to go live somewhere else which i also did in the end and if i would have had a boyfriend then that would have stopped me from doing my thing. i guess i was too afraid to show the real me to the guys that i dated. i thougth it would be selfish of me if i focused on what i wanted and needed and liked doing in my life. 

               in bcn i dated couple of guys in the springtime. at that time i hadnt been dating for a while and since i was sooo happy living in Bcn and all of the exciting stuff that was going on there i saw the guys as just a plus in my life. 

but i remember thinking that i wasnt that comfortable in my own skin when i was hanging out with guy. in one way yes, sometimes i felt very confident but in other ways i wasnt very confident in who i was. and i remember thinking that all i wanted was to be back at my own place and doing my thing, like jogging in the morning or going to a cafe and have a cafe con leche or whatever i liked doing by myself. but i was too afraid to say what i really wanted and needed hence the uncomfortable feeling. 

             the last guy i dated in bcn was this really cute French guy from Lyon. he was a couple of years younger than me and he was just there for the summer with his friends. god i really liked that guy. it was just one intense week and it started really good. he was really into me since i just saw him as a plus and i just focused on my own life and having a really good time with my friends but as i started seeing him more and more his interest for me started to decrease. alot. and since i really liked this guy i came to him. instead of making him come to me, i came to him. that same week i went to Sweden for the summer and for some strange reason i really thought that he liked me and wanted to be with me even tho there were no signs whatsoever that he was still into me. but i was naiv and i didnt realise what i had done wrong (which i realise now). but even tho it ended after just one week he was still important to me becus he made me open up a bit. and i will always be grateful for him coming into my life.

         one year later, actually exactly one year later when i was in Tarifa visiting a really good friend of mine, I saw this really cute guy. after a while he started dancin with me and i could just feel that there was something special about the guy but for once i dindt obsess about him that night. i just danced and felt very confident had such a good time just dancing my a*s off=) im not gonna tell u all the details but he called me one week later and we started calling each other that summer (i moved back home one month later after meeting him). or he called me. this time i had really decided to let him come to me. which he did. he called me about once a week for the whole summer. in the end of that summer i went to Lisboa for a 4 days vacation with a friend of mine and after coming back i realised i  really liked this guy. so i told him that i wanted to be his gfriend. but he wasnt ready bcus he had only been single for  about 3 months. but he came back to me one week later saying that he had realised he had mad a mistake and he wanted to be mine. i was so relieved and happy. but thankful in a strange way. im not gonna give you all the details about our relationship but i can tell you that i didnt work out in the end. i ended it that next summer (last summer). i didnt realise it back then but i think neither of us really wanted to be in a serious relationship. not that i didnt like him, i liked him alot. so much. and i know he really liked me. but neither of us were happy in ourselves so there was alot of up and down feelings. and feeling good and then feeling bad. yes there were alot of reasons why we werent right for each other and why it didnt work out between the 2 of us. and its my fault and his fault. but one big thing that i have realised now was that i put way too much energy ito thinking about him and when he should call me or text me and if he didnt i got sad. and the other way around. it was only when i put myself into focus and i focused only on my own life that he came to me.

even after ending the relationship i lay too much energy into thinking about this other guy that i thougth i liked and that i thought liked me. i could even imagine moving to that city for him but at xmas i realised that i prob just had imagined it all. i wouldnt see the signs of him not being into me anymore. but eventually i got it that he didnt like me anymore and if a guy likes you, then he shows it. so i stopped thinking about this guy, well more or less at least. and thats when this other guy, that i mentioned early in this post, came into my life. it hurts a bit knowing that the other guy no longer was into me but i cant blame him if his not into me anymore. flames die eventually if you dont put wood into the fire. maybe he has a girlfriend by now and thats allright. but still..

but back to the newest guy. it was only one date and i cant say that i want to see him again since i realised after that first date that he wasnt the guy for me. but im still grateful for him and the other guy and my ex for coming into my life cus they have made me realise that its time for a change. its time for me and my life. and its time for a really good guy to come into my life. 

and this time it it will be on my terms and it will be a different thing now. i can just feel it. i dont know when he will come into my life or how and when and who it will be but thats ok. thats up to universe. 

i still want to say thank you to all the guys that ive dated through the years and the boyfriends ive had for coming into my life. without you guys there wouldnt be any entertaining stories for me to tell my girlfriends =) and i prob wouldnt have learnt all the lessons that i had to learn in order to come to this realization that its time for a change and this time a f*cking amazing change! and im also very grateful for getting to know all of you guys, whether it was just one date or for a month or longer. cus i love getting to know new people, especially if they are from different countries and different cultures. whether its boys or girls. dating or new friends. 

so its good to make mistakes. its good to cry and be sad. becus all of those tears and that frustration or anger or disapointment or whatever it is have led you to where you are know and it had made you the persn that you are today. theres a 2saying so to speak that i think about once in a while that is quite comforting and its: "you are where you´re supposed to be, you are what you´re supposed to be and you´re who you are supposd to be". quite comforting right?

couple fo years ago i would never think that i would be quite happy living back in malmö and that i would study Italian and do paintings and sew clothes. and get new friends and getting to know old friends better. 

but thats the great thing about life. it doesnt always get the way you thought you wanted it to be like but in the end it always ends up being the way its soppsed to be.

so once again, thank you once again all of you peopel and guys that ive me through my years abroad and here cus it made me move back home and for once understand what actually is importsnt in life=)

im gonna do my 1 1/2 hour walk with my dogs now in the beautiful snow =)

wish you all a beautiful day and i hope my life has been entertaining to you=) or if it just has made you come to any realisations of your own life or your own path.

amore/Hanni

for i while ive been wanting to take pictures of the pride of malmö, Turning Torso becus its a really stunning building. so cool and different and odd and at the same beautiful. its modern with a twist (literally speaking for once=)) without being too stiff. and its just a five minutes ride from my home. i see it evevryday becus i can see it from the field on which im walking evevryday with my dogs and there are these trees which u can see the turning torso through and since i love taking pictures of nature and especially trees i convinced myself yday to go for a walk with my camera even tho it was freezing outside (the winter has unfortunately arrived to Skåne) and i was twisting back and forth whether or not i should go outside (becus of course its so much more warm and comfy being outside when its cold outside) but since i know myself i knew that i wouldnt regret going out with my camera so i put on my heavy winter jacket and my cap and gloves and my ipod (have to do this with music in my ears..) and even tho it was cold it still so nice to get some air. theres nothing like getting outside in the nature to get some fresh air.

so i walked along the limhamnsfältet (the name of the field close to where i live) trying to find cool angles to take pictures of the turning torso. and as ive told u all before i love the feeling of being free and feeling free is def something i feel when im out in the nature taking photos. theres something so soothing and reassuring about the nature and the wind. there are no demands, no pressure, no stress. no too much noice. no complaining from people, just me and the nature and my camera and my music. 

sometimes i think the photos i took are amazing and sometimes not so amazing but then i have to remind myself that even the greatest photographers in the world can take 100 pictures before they get ONE picture that is THE photo. so i just have to be patient in these kind of situations.

i also went for a quick moment down to the beach to see if i could take some photos from a different angle. and i think i succeeded=)

here are the photos 

trees and its branches are so fashinating dont u think? they never look the same.

theres so much u can do with them when taking pictures of them. its free to play around with the branches depending on what kind of angle u choose to use.

and the branches look so different from one another, thats one thing i love about treesm that they never look the same. some branches can have tiny tiny leafs and some can have big leafs.

and sometimes the leafs can look like tiny flowers. so cute.

and sometimes branches can be big big and take over the whole situation. powerfulness big time. 

infinity is what i see when i look at trees and its branches. infinity of space. space that goes back and forth, its never still. time to breath. no demands. just free will. just lke love. it should move back and forth like the wind. no demands, no pressure, no jealusy, no hatred or anger, its just love. 

it can be tough, it can be raw, but in the end its always gentle. its protecting and kind.

it/they can be round. (in this case, the branches).

it can be wanting but no needing.

it can be alot at the same time.

it can be a little at the time.

it can make u dizzy.

it can come and go fast.

it can be a cobweb (spindelnät) of feelings. 

it can be dark.

but it always turns to light in the end.

it can be sweet.

it can be light.

it can be beautiful and cute.

it can be a cloud of feelings.

it can sparkle=)

it can be easy as a breath.

sometimes there can be obstacles between the two lovers.

sometimes it can make u a bit ...whimsey

it can make u laugh

and when u least expect it, the light comes and shines through all ur worries and suddenly u can breath again.

and sometimes u get company out of the blue that makes everything much easier.

and just knowing that that person will be with you even during ur darkest moment is a reassuring thought and if thats not love, then i dont know what it is.

wish you all a wonderful day.

amor/hanni